Work-Life Balance : How can you look at it differently?

I am not a fan of the term “work/life balance.” Why? Let’s look at the definition of balance: “a state where things are of equal weight or force.” Just as I don’t believe in the idea that we can be happy all the time, I also do not believe that we can have a schedule equally distributed between the work and life, a perfect 50-50 split. Those unrealistic terms frame us in a mindset that is judgmental and deflates our energy.

So I would like to reframe the idea of work-life “balance,” I see work-life balance as energy. Energy is always moving, shifting, and changing. This is why it is not an uneven percentage that frustrates us, but rather our choices: what do we say yes to, and what do we say no to.

When we say yes to too many things, we start feeling like we don’t have control of our time and where we spend it. We feel as though we are spending our time on the wrong things. When we say yes to everything, we don’t feel accomplished or fulfilled or happy: we give more to others and there is no time left for what we need/want to do.

When we experience balance there is a sense of control, and we feel fulfilled and accomplished.  

There are two main areas where I find that it is helpful for my clients and me to achieve more balance in life and feel a sense of control.

1.     Pay attention to your choices – what do you say yes to and what do you say no to.

Saying NO - Sometimes when I head for a quick stop at the supermarket, I look at the big cart or the shopping basket and disregard them “I am only getting milk and bread” I tell myself. But then I pass by the fruit section and see a delightful pack of green grapes that I know my kids enjoy, and then I pass by the cans isle and grab two tomato sauce cans, “It can be a good idea for dinner tonight.” Like my supermarket juggling, having too many things in my hands knowing that in a moment everything will fall down, we do the same with life and work. We say yes to too many things and then we are surprised why we have no time left for what we want or need to do.

If we flip the coin, in his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown, mentions that before we say yes, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves: “What is the main thing I want to see on the path I am walking toward? Is what I am doing essential to reaching my long-term goals or self-care?”
Saying Yes to the “right” things – business, distractions, reactive-fixing problems mentality along the day- makes us forget to take a step back and ask ourselves: “Where are my organization and I heading? What are the small goals we need to take in order to head there?”
Asking these questions will move us from saying yes to the wrong things. Sometimes we say yes to the wrong things because it feels that saying yes to that would be easy to accomplish (especially when it is complicated for others), or maybe because it is comfortable for us. Not only those wrong yeses take us nowhere. They have no value and distract us from seeing the results we want. Yeses should not be the easy and comfortable path, but the ones that will help us grow and bring value to our career and life path.

2.     Design your boundariesMy client once said to me, “As a Human Resources manager, it feels like there is always someone asking me questions, and now, with my newest team member on the team, it is really hard for me to get things done.” In her role like many roles that cater to others’ needs, her door was always open: figuratively, and literally. It was hard to get to the point where she could sit quietly and focus on doing her work, planning, designing, even answering emails. Her days became longer and she arrived home too late to enjoy her two toddlers.

The open-door policy is important in communicating to others that you are accessible and available to support them, but for some people, especially the givers, the ones who are always willing to stop everything they do and help others, they find that there is no time left to accomplish their work. This is when they get in trouble, some will even become bitter and resentful. My client felt this way.
“Can I say that from listening to you it sounds that you have some challenges with boundaries?” She nodded in agreement and replied:  “Yes, I feel it is hard for me to say no with my words and actions to others.”  I asked her to physically draw how the boundary line between her and others looks. “Ha!” she smiled, “as uncomfortable as it is admitted to you, I have no line, at times it might be a very thin line, maybe even dotted – that’s why I never get to do anything, I communicate to people that they can take my time and attention whenever they want.”
We worked together to draw the different boundary lines she wanted to have with different people and in different situations. “You know,” she said, reporting back to me in the next session, “I learned that those lines were meant for me and not for other people. The moment I had them in my head I was able to say no to people or ask them to come back in 2 hours when I am done working on the monthly report. It was actually liberating.”

Whether you feel low-energy because you focus on the wrong goals or spend your time first on others with none left for yourself, take ten minutes to sit down and answer the questions:

1. What are some actions you are saying yes to because they are easy or comfortable, but bring you no value (non-essential)?

2. What are the actions you want to focus on? They might be less easy, maybe not as fun, and maybe even scary but will take you to where you want to be.

3. Are you juggling too many things in your hands right now? Maybe it is time to bring a shopping cart and move some of the things there? You can do that by delegating (to your family or employees), Or you can choose to put things back on the shelf - they are not needed right now and you can buy them at another time.

Remember the key to balanced energy is your ability to make hard choices of what stays and what goes. Does it always bring you joy? No, is it essential? I hope so.
What can you learn from your answers to these questions?

Procrastinating? How Accountability Partner and Mastermind Groups Can keep you Accountable to your goals?

Many times, when I speak with leaders, I sense that the higher they climb the leadership ladder the lonelier they might feel.

Isolation. I remember the first time I heard that word related to my life context. A few years after our relocation, someone I met told me that I probably have a deep sense of isolation. Leaving our family, friends and my career behind was a very isolating experience for me. Until that person used the word ‘isolation’, I knew there was a feeling, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. But that person nailed it. They were able to express the word I couldn’t find in order to explain what I had felt for so long. Isolation is one of the deepest experiences you have after relocation, not only do you feel alone and isolated, but you tend to isolate yourself. Not because you plan to do so, it is just a natural way to be when you have the feeling that every time you leave your house you are different than everyone else around you.

The second time I chose to use the word isolation was during my last leadership role. You see, there is that unique paradox in leadership. Leaders lead, and when they lead others, they need to connect with them. They need to communicate their passion and vision so people will choose to follow them.  When you enjoy leading processes and people this is an exciting experience, but mostly you cannot escape the challenge and sometimes the challenge becomes a drama. I could sense in some moments how I escalated when I stepped onto the path of a challenge with another person, or a difficult situation. I can even sense how I want to dive into the drama. But with experience, you learn how to manage yourself and see what your options are in the situation. But here is the thing, many times when you are in a challenge, you are there all alone. Sometimes your friends are part of the organization and you choose not to gossip about the situation, and again, the higher up you go the harder it becomes to share your challenges. Some leaders sharing their challenges might look like they share their weaknesses, a path they are not willing to take. So, what’s left? A mentor or a coach can help you go through the experiences and learn what you can do better, or help you make a new choice, make a different decision, or show up differently. These are one or two hours in a timeline of many constant struggles, where the leader feels alone. This is when the sense of isolation showed up again, but this time I knew I needed to support myself, especially as an extrovert persona who needs to talk through her challenges with others.
Here are a few simple ways to overcome isolations that worked for me:

1.  Accountability Partner - An accountability partner is someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. My accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly goals and beyond. When a challenge or opportunity meets us along the way, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. I heard about different ways to work with an accountability partner; for example, you both meet remotely or face-to-face to work on a specific task. You share what task you will accomplish in the next hour; an hour later, share your accomplishments. Remember, in any relationship; you need to discuss with your accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and how you both need to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not an easy process to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.

2.    Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.

This is when a new idea started percolating. What if I could utilize the structure I have created in different Mastermind groups and we could meet outside? There is nothing better than facing your challenge in nature with other bright minds around. Today, I lead a few Mastermind Groups a year for Social Business Leaders and Executives. They are all confidential, and in each one, it is so exciting to see how much the group members become each other’s cheerleaders, supporters, and some even become good friends.

I believe with all my heart that the more leaders connect with each other rather than isolating themselves, the more impact and influence they will create in our community and beyond.

My question to you is what is how can you keep showing up for yourself to achieve your goals? What can help you stay accountable?

Not a fan of networking? Here are Seven Reasons why you should add Networking to your year goals.

“Have you considered Networking?” How many of you made the same face my clients or others make when I ask them this question?

 I know, I know, there are rare people, somewhat like the lions in the savannah that when I ask the Networking question answer with joy and spark in the eyes: “I love networking, bring it on!” Yes, there are a few of those, but many people do not enjoy networking.

 In this article, I would like to invite you to consider a new way of approaching networking. A new intention to how you approach networking if I can suggest.

A few weeks ago one of my clients burst into a long monologue about how much they hate networking. Hate it with passion. I get it. Believe me, I do. I didn’t like to network too and I am an extrovert…Here are the main buts I hear again and again from people and how you can overcome them.

1. “But I am an introvert…”Most people who don’t like to network feel that networking is about a shallow conversation, and if you are one of the people who define themselves or the assessment defines you as an introvert you probably will say: “But I am an introvert, I am just not good with networking.”
   If you have no idea what is all the introversion extroversion conversation let me sum it up. Introverts are the ones who get energy from being alone and take time for internal processing before they talk, while extroverts get energy from being with others and process their thoughts while talking out loud. Now, some people got this all introvert idea wrong, introverts are not shy people, many of them are leaders and speaker. I see the difference between the introverts and extroverts as energy. Extroverts get energy from being with others while extroverts give to others their energy. What it means is that if you are an introvert, it is not that you are bad at networking, you just need to take time afterward to be alone and recharge since you gave a lot of your energy to others.

2. But I don’t like the feeling of selling myself When I started my coaching business I remember telling others that there is a big distinction between selling a product or service of others you believe in and selling yourself to others. This is an experience people have when they seek a job or when they need to sell their services as the owners and soulpreneur.
   When we enter a room with this mindset and the assumption that what we need to focus on is selling ourselves we feel uncomfortable. But here is one of the most important points I have learned from people who are successful in networking.
   The people who are successful in networking don’t sell ANYTHING when they talk with you they focus on listening to you so they can bring YOU value. So focus on having a conversation and get to know the other person., get curious about them, ask them questions and if you listen well you will also be able to bring them value.

3. But if I listen and ask questions how can others know what I do or looking for?Before I answer this question, let me ask you another question (this is what coaches do very well). When you come to a networking event or a meeting with another person, and the person who you are meeting with is talking about themselves for a big portion of the meeting, how does it feel?
   When I ask these questions in a big room, I always get the same answers:

   • I feel unheard and invisible.

   • I think that they are using me to get what they want, but they don’t care about me.

   • They only care about their pitch they don’t care about people.

   In the end, we all want others to listen to our wants and needs. We want to be seen, be heard, and acknowledged. Challenge yourself to keep asking questions until you learn something interesting about them and maybe even to identify what are the points that connect the two of you. This is a good way to share your story from their needs and create a deeper connection that brings value to both sides.

4. But I am better at one-on-one meetingsExactly! I am better with one on one conversations too. And this is also your goal at networking events: to identify the people at the networking event that you would like to meet with them afterward. because from what you have learned about them you can bring value to each other and even form partnerships. And yes! at times you will choose to meet just because you felt there is more to the conversation even though you know right now nothing will get out of it more than friendship, but friends can become your best referrals in the long term. Remember, networking is a long term game, don’t play the short run.

5. But if I spend so much time with a few people how can I reach as many as possible so they can help me?In the end, no one will help you if they don’t know you. People help people they know and trust. It is rare for a stranger to help you find a job, or support your business if they don’t know you. Ask yourself how likely are you to recommend someone on your running group who you meet and chat with twice a week vs. a person you met for a quick 5 minutes’ conversation in a networking event? This is why I teach my clients to attend the same groups consistently. There are many groups you can join or volunteer with; Meet Up is a great place to find your people. If you like to workout find a workout group if you have a hobby join a group of people who share your passion. If you have the time I would suggest volunteering with an organization, there is no better way to get to know people and leaders in the organization and your community than volunteering with a committee, the board, or other projects. As I mentioned earlier, networking is a long-run game, people who know you, see you every week and feel as you invested in them will invest in you and help you when the day comes because they know you, not because they met you once. Remember when you enter a networking event it is not about being a social butterfly; leaving with the largest number of business cards or meeting the most people in the room will not give you an advantage. On the contrary, it will harm you. What will bring value is your willingness to focus on giving value to others.

6. But it is tiring for me to meet so many people.If the idea of meeting so many people in a networking event sounds daunting, exhausting, and frustrating, here is a tip I share with my clients and my audience: “There is no networking police in networking events.” Let me suggest a different approach, rather than meeting all the people in the room and having short and non-meaningful conversations, go into a room and find one or two people that you can have a deep and meaningful conversation. After you had that experience, if you feel that your energy is low, go.
   Yes, I give you permission to go.
   Remember, no one is there to report your short attendance or how many people you met.

7. But I don’t need it I work in the same company for so many years…And one day you won’t, or you will not want to work in that company anymore. Here is the deal, finding a job is first and foremost about connections, whether if it is for a new opportunity in the company you work or in another organization. If we don’t take time to invest in these relationships when the day comes we will find that opportunities go to the peers that invested their time in networking with other leaders and members in the organization and beyond. Again - people help, support, refer people they know and trust if people don’t know you and trust you inside or outside the organization they will need to refer you, or introduce you or advocate for your success. Don’t wait like many of my clients until it is too late, it is NEVER too late to network even if you work in a company; Volunteer inside your company to support an initiative of interest, volunteer as a board member in an organization of interest or a professional association, join a mastermind group or join a group that can help you work on your skills like ‘toastmasters club’ (a speaking club). There are many ways to network even when you work full time.

You can see that there are many buts, but I believe and also see from the conversations with my clients and groups that the more they work on the muscle of networking the more energy they have to network with people. The more they network with the focus in mind on bringing value to others, the more opportunities and relationships they see for themselves and beyond.

Stick to Your Sticky Notes and Plan Strategically

One of the benefits of working as a coach, at least as I see it, is that I can accomplish most of my work remotely. Working remotely means many video meetings. Whenever people see my video screen, they ask me about my colorful background.

You see, the whole wall behind my desk is filled with sticky notes. It is not decorative, though I do need a lot of color in my life. The sticky notes on the wall behind my desk are a live representation of my strategic business plan. I believe that having a business plan on my computer, stuck in a computer folder or file folder, doesn’t count. When it is on the wall you can SEE it. It is there bothering you, making sure you don’t ignore it and when you do ignore it, others who see it on your zoom wall keep reminding me to stay committed to my goals.

Why did I start using sticky notes?

When I started my coaching business, I bartered my coaching services with a woman who edited my first coaching blog. Beyond having editing skills, this woman, who was also a TV producer, suggested I try organizing my writing-thoughts using post-it/sticky notes. She told me that this is a tool they use as TV producers. On my way home from the meeting with her, I bought myself a colorful package of sticky notes. Since then, the sticky notes go everywhere with me, from coaching sessions to workshops to strategic thinking sessions. They help my clients organize their thoughts. The sticky notes are your tool to work on your strategic thinking muscle and then brainstorm ways to implement your vision.

Here is how I work with sticky notes:

1. Each idea gets one sticky note. It can be a word or a sentence. Do whatever feels right to you.

2. After you have a few notes on the table/wall/door, try to see if you can identify trends or specific topics.

3. When you start seeing some themes, group the ideas/word by topic.

4. Now that the sticky notes have allowed you to start creating connections between your ideas, you can move on to actions. Again, on each sticky note, you will write one action step.

Tips:

• Color indexing – use colors to differentiate between different topics/themes, or between the title of each theme to the steps/ideas/goals you have. For example, all marketing goals and actions will be in one color. Another option is that you identify that there are a few different marketing goals like blogging, social media, and virtual/life networking. Then, each marketing goal will get a different color.

• Workflow - when I listen to my clients, we can leave the session with a workflow. If your mind is wired to think in workflows, I would encourage you to take the next step with the information you have and organize your sticky notes as a workflow of your ideas.

Sticky notes are a playful way for us to take the thoughts we have in our heads that focus on the tactical side and make them more strategic. What’s cool about this tool is that when we put our thoughts on physical space and start moving them around, we can see the optimal organization of our ideas that have stayed too long in our heads. This is a different way of organizing our thoughts while still creating space for us to take a pause when we feel stuck and revisit what we have and move things around and see what makes the most sense for us.

If you haven’t yet played around with sticky notes, I hope it will inspire you to try this creative, strategic way thinking, and if you share the same passion for sticky notes as me, let me guess… you probably love notebooks and pens too – I knew it! :-)

External and Internal Accountability - How Can You Stay Accountable to Your Goals?

OKRS, KPIs, Business goals, personal growth goals, team goals, sales goals; we all know that it is important to take the time for some individual/team internal check-in and ask ourselves what are the things we need to let go of, and what are the things we want to sustain and keep doing,
We understand the importance of moving forward and achieving our goals, but the main challenge is, how can we hold ourselves accountable to achieve the goal we set for ourselves? 

 The article's primary goal is to give you the tools to stay accountable for the things you say you will do as individuals or teams. This article can also help a manager (and even a parent) to support direct reports who can't deliver on what they have, accepting responsibility for the progress, whether it is a success or failure. 

 Work with you, not against you!

Let me start by saying that most of us don't see the results we want because we work against ourselves. We see what others do and get upset with not being able to do what they do. Not only do we focus on beating ourselves up, but we are also stuck and don't see a movement. So let's start with a quick awareness that can help you let go of the burden.

 External Accountability vs. Internal Accountability.
In her Assessment – the Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin, explains our tendency to expectations. One crucial point you can take from her idea is that we have internal/inner or Outer/external accountability.

• External accountability – is our need to be accountable to someone else so we can achieve goals. You are motivated to achieve your goals with another person. According to Rubin, most of the population is motivated by outer expectations. How do you know if this is you?

  • If you are one of the people who ask: "Why is it so easy for me to deliver on my promises to my family/friends/team/clients, but it is challenging to deliver on my personal goals?" you are motivated by external accountability.

  • What will encourage you more to work out? Paying membership to the gym, or knowing that your friend is waiting for you at 5 am outside the gym to join them? If it is the latter, then - you are motivated by external accountability. 

• Inner accountability – you can set goals and achieve them yourself; you don't need others to achieve your goals. How do you know it is you? You will start your day with a list and achieve most of what you wrote on the list by the end of the day.

 When you understand your motivation, you can design the system you need to create to achieve your goals.  Here are a few ways to design your system without going against your tendencies – experiment with the different methods, and feel free to reach out to me and share great ways that worked for you that you would like to add to this list!

External Accountability: You need to find partners that will help you stay accountable to your goals or desires. Here are a few different ways to establish these partnerships and make sure you are on the right path for you and your accountability partner. 

•  1:1 Accountability Partnerships - An accountability partner/partnership is with someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. There are different accountability partnerships. Some are paid for their time like a performance coach, or personal trainer, while many establish a relationship meant to support each other on needed goals. Let's review a few options of accountability partnerships:

  • Accountability Partner for business/leadership/personal growth– my accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly business goals, business challenges, and aspirations. When a challenge or opportunity arises, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. Some even sign a confidentiality agreement. 

  • Specific Accountability Partnerships – this is a partnership to achieve a particular goal for a limited time, like Weight loss, meal planning, work on a specific project like writing a book, filming videos, and much more. 

    Whether it's face to face or remotely, there are many ways to work with an accountability partner; some will state the task they would like to achieve during the meeting, then each one will work on their task. Others can focus on their discussions on progress, challenges, and goal setting. There isn't a right way; there is only your way and your aligned needs.

  • Pets – yes! We don't always need another human friend to help us stay accountable. Pets can be excellent accountability partners to a specific task. Whether you want to start running, walk every day, or BE more present with your life. I have many clients who realized that having a pet helped them meet a specific need.

  • Social Media – A few years ago, after I went on my run, I posted my first "On The Run" video, letting everyone know that from now on, every time I run, I will post a video. Putting it out there made me accountable for this project and posting videos for more than two years after I run. If you know putting out a specific task can help you with your goals – put it out there – why not?

• Groups – the same way some prefer the one-to-one partnership; some like group accountability with more space for reflection and different perspectives.

  • Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.

  • Group Coaching is an opportunity to take the foundations of one-to-one coaching and move them to a group setting with a coach who holds group coaching facilitation skills. During the meetings, the group explores preferred topics, and at the end of each session, the members state how they are going to keep working on the topic. At the beginning of each meeting, the members report back to the group on their progress. The main difference between group coaching and a mastermind group is that group coaching requires a coach's facilitation. In contrast, a mastermind group can discuss topics without having a coach who facilitates the conversation.

  • Online groups – from social media groups to apps like noom and Fitbit, many have the option of online discussions and even coaches/mentors and group facilitators that can help the group process and share their thoughts, challenges, and resources. Find the group you can share your goals and get group support. 

Design the relationship agreement - Remember, like any relationship, to establish a partnership, you need to discuss with your potential accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and what you both need to do and be to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not easy to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.

 To learn more and prepare for this conversation, I have created a special document you can download here and support you through this conversation.

 Internal Accountability:

People who feel motivated by internal expectations do not need an accountability partner, but there are many other ways to help them achieve their goals. Here are a few creative ways:

• Stacking – if there is something you want to do, make sure you connect it with another action. For example, when I want to go on a run first thing in the morning, I will prepare the workout clothes the night before. This way, when I wake up in the morning, I have no excuses not to go on my run.

• Gamification – most internally motivated people like competition. If it is right for you, too, you can look at your weekly goals and give each goal a score. The more challenging the goal is, the higher the score will be. For example, writing an email is 1 point, while if networking is something you are trying to avoid – doing this task, you will give yourself 20 points. Competitive people will feel when they see their score going higher and higher each week. It takes some planning but can be very helpful to achieve goals you are trying to avoid. 

What are systems you can identify you already created unconsciously in your life to achieve goals and stay accountable?
As you can see, your outer or inner accountabilities play a significant role in achieving your goals. – find the system that works for you- remember, don't do it their way – do it YOUR way. 

 Are there other systems you have created to stay accountable?

Leaning Back - why Listening Will Move You From Tactical to Strategic leadership

Ever since we were little kids we were taught to be good through our actions, we all heard the adults saying: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and share your toys.” So we learned the formula that our actions are what is expected of us and what makes us be seen and rewarded, so we act. But there are areas in life, like leadership, where actions aren’t enough. In fact, adopting the approach of jumping as fast as we can to fix problems will hold us back. 

Why? You see, our autopilot tendency is geared toward doing what we know, fixing problems. Fixing problems distract our focus from intentional strategic thinking that requires slowing down, to reactive tactical solutions.
What is the difference between tactical and strategic thinking?
The definition of the word tactic is to plan, focus on tasks, or procedures that can be carried out; it may be part of a larger strategy. On the other hand, strategic thinking is a larger overall plan that can comprise several tactics.  Essentially, tactics are the nitty-gritty details, while strategy is about the big picture. Tactics are an extreme close-up of what is happening right now or very soon; the twig and sticks of the bird’s nest. Whereas strategic thinking is an expensive view, you can take a step back or beyond to spend time thinking about how the future should look like; like the bird meta-view when it flies above us. When we work as leaders, instead of simply looking at the current situation and reacting to what is happening in the right here right now, we need to expand our vision and be intentional. Instead of initial, reactive responses, we need to think our actions through in order for them to be meaningful and influence in the long term with impact and sustainable results. 

How? lean back and slow down so we can listen.
In one of the first sessions with a new client, she asked me to help her “design a plan to convince the IT team manager that her solution for the marketing process is the right way to go.”  Notice the words: my solution, and the right way to go. Instead of working to solve the problem her right way, I invited my client to go back and listen. Listening can be hard when we have a solution. We want to fix, get over and move to the next item on the to-do list. When we believe that our way is the best way, we lose the ability to be open and see what others in the room have to say. 

Here are a few steps you can take to practice slowing down, leaning back and listening first so you can move toward an intentional way of being and doing:

1.     Lean Back
When I’m cooking with my son, my impatient doer wants to take over and get things done. He will ask me how much oil to put in the pan and all I can think about is the mess that will be if the oil will spill on the floor. Let’s face it, doing it myself is faster and definitely cleaner - for now. It is tempting to want to take the bottle and keep things clean and let go of the stress the internal control freak I am sensing within. But this is my focus on the now.  Yes, it was messy internally and on the stove, but giving him space allowed him to learn new skills. It wasn’t easy to remove myself and push her, the control freak within, as far as possible from the stove area and the pan. I had to find within the ability to overcome my tendencies and let him handle things slowly, and even fail.  Not only can he cook by himself and save me the cooking time and cleaning time, but he also has enough confidence to come up with creative recipes of his own that I never would have thought of. Let your tendencies and autopilot lean back and lean in by taking time to listen. 

2.     Listening without misleading toward your solutions
One of the best ways of leaning back while focusing on listening is by asking questions. Questions that focus on being curious about the wants, needs, and ideas of others can remove us from listening to ourselves to listening to others. The problem is that most of the time when we shift to listening and asking questions, the voice inside us that wants others to follow our solutions and show others that we are right. This is when the questions we ask lack curiosity, filled with judgment, and focus on leading to the right solution we have in mind. What can you do? 

• Stop using leading questions - leading questions, or as we probably should refer to them - misleading questions, are questions we ask to lead people toward our solutions, or toward our want for others to see that we are right. Questions like: “why do you think your idea is practical?” makes me question your question, what you are actually saying without saying is: “show me why your idea is good because, from my worldview, I believe that my idea is better than yours.” Another leading question is a question that has the solution within: “How can you stay away from using the report you suggested?” or “Do you know that by using this report you can do X, Y, and Z?”

• Why vs What questions - One of the best ways of asking exploratory questions is by staying in curiosity. There are two main ways to stay in curiosity, the simplest but not the easiest one is to ask “What” questions instead of “why” or “how” questions. “Why” questions communicate without words to others that we believe our solution is better when you ask why questions, it is as if you’re saying: “I already know the right answer, and it is your turn to explain to/show me why you are not wrong.” What questions, on the other hand, come from a place of curiosity and exploration. “What are your thoughts on this idea?” “What are your ideas for solving this problem?” “What task would you be most comfortable executing?” or as simple as: “I am curious, what….?”

Pay attention next time you ask questions; when you ask WHY questions do you see people defending their idea or feel frustrated with you? When you ask WHAT questions do you see people taking a short pause, and even look surprised?  Is there openness and willingness to explore together?

3.              Lean Back Again
Each time you want to go faster and lean toward a solution ask another ‘What’ question. Challenge yourself to keep asking “what” questions again and again and again. Stretch yourself to explore as many perspectives, possibilities, and ideas. 

4.              Check the Energy in the Room
The leaders who know it all, who have all the solutions, focus on educating, explaining, and solving problems. If you have a tendency to teach and educate your team you might notice that when you take over the conversation the people in the room are less engaged, and go inwards. On the other hand, when you focus on asking questions, explore, invite people to find solutions to gaps you or your team identified -people are more engaged, they come up with solutions (maybe not your favorite ones, but when others come with solutions they also take ownership of leading the process.

Pay attention: How comfortable your team or peers are when you stretch yourself to be in curiosity?  How engaged are they in the conversation? Do you suck the energy from the room, or does it feel specious? Are people stiff and holding back, or are they talking casually like they would to equals? Do they want to keep the conversation because they feel heard and seen, or are they defending and reacting and even triggered? If you sense that the energy is low, you have a choice: you can keep sucking the energy and explain and educate, or you can shift and let them find the answers. People are resourceful and can reach out to you when they need your help.

 Leaning back, listening, asking questions, leaning back, even more, asking more questions, and listening while being present with others’ solutions allow others to feel empowered,  resourceful, and engaged. Not only others will take ownership of the solutions they find, but it will also open up space and time for you to focus on planning and being intentional for the long term solutions while others focus on the tactical approach.