Gliding Toward Success: Ice Skating and Coaching Insights

"Le-At Le-At" is what my youngest hears when he's racking up his driving hours for his license. "Le-At" means slowdown in Hebrew. Mostly, you will not just say "Le-At." Mostly, it will be a double dramatic "Le-At, Le-At!!!" This is how you say it, especially when people like me (his mom) feel a lack of control, aka when things go too fast. It's the universal language of parental panic!

As a learner, I always seek new ways to challenge myself and overcome mental barriers. In addition to professional and career growth, I believe in exploring various avenues for personal development, as they often intersect.

This summer, I decided to take some time off to evaluate my work and personal life and spend quality time with my family, friends, and myself. During this slowing-down phase, I thought it would be a great idea to set a goal of moving fast without feeling a sense of control like I feel when my son drives the car.

I don't know where this fear of "going too fast" comes from, but that's a topic for a different conversation with a therapist. I don't believe in doing things just because they're scary. Still, learning to ice skate without the fear of falling because I am skating too fast seemed like a great “stretch goal." You see, when I tried to skate on the ice, the little voice in my head goes, "There is a huge possibility you will fall" (of course I will! I am on ice with no experience skating), "It's going to hurt because you don't know how to fall" (yep, I don't have a clue about graceful falls, whether on ice or elsewhere – I'm the one who will give you a full-on falling show!), and so on. There's this underlying fear of not feeling in control when things speed up, just as I feel when my youngest drives the car.

For years, I've felt jealous of people who know how to ice skate or roller skate; I wanted to be like them, with that peaceful, serene look on their faces when they skate (you should plan to check that out soon at the holiday ice rinks). I've tried it a few times, but that voice in my head always held me back, saying, "Nope, this is not for you."

 After my youngest returned from his Jazz Camp and was getting bored, I came up with a plan to take ice skating lessons together. He's obsessed with sports and hockey (go Canes, go Rangers), so it seemed like the perfect idea. North Carolina's heat and humidity in the Summer made the ice skating rink a great escape, and it was a sneaky way to hang out with my teenage son without him rolling his eyes at me every five seconds. Plus, the free public skating sessions that came with the group lessons gave us the perfect excuse to get him out of bed and out of the house every day.

 While going through my ice skating journey, I couldn't stop thinking about how much my experience aligned with the experience my clients (executives, groups, and teams) have when they acquire a new skill or undergo change. Especially when suddenly we feel that we are not at our best and maybe lack control.

Ready? Let's glide...

1. If There Is No Purpose, There Is No Action

I'll keep telling anyone who cares to listen that I really don't believe in procrastination. If we're not taking action, it's either because we're not invested or care about the action or we're struggling to see the purpose of taking the action. It's time to own up to it! For me, ice skating is about understanding what makes it easy to drive fast, adapt to rapid changes in my career, and embrace new trends way before others, but it puts me on an ice rink, and I feel like I'm about to crash and burn.

Understanding the purpose of learning ice skating could be the key to overcoming this mental hurdle. I aim for that peaceful, joyful, carefree expression everyone seems to have when they're skating. I don't mind how long it takes me to get there as long as I reach that inner sense of peace and joy when I finally do and then see how I can replicate it in other areas of work and life because it is always connected and improves performance.

2. Accountability Partnership

Sometimes, we underestimate the importance of support and accountability when working towards our personal goals. Having accountability partners has been valuable for me. My daughter's excitement for our Saturday mommy time in a coffee shop encouraged me to write my book while she was doing her homework. My business accountability partner's weekly 8 am meetings have been instrumental in our business success. Plus, my youngest son's determination to skate like a hockey player has been incredibly inspiring. He has the grit and will to go "all in" to achieve a goal. This is the kind of person I needed to be there when things get challenging, and I knew it would become three times harder for me to achieve each step of the way in my goal; I needed someone who is all in to help me show up.

3. Teach your brain to keep going and be kind to yourself

While my son zoomed around the ice rink like a pro, I struggled to keep up, moving at a snail's pace. On the way to the rink, my youngest decided to give me a pep talk behind the wheel: "Mom, you just need to let go and go fast," he advised as if ice skating was equivalent to driving a sports car.

But I don't believe in the whole "letting go" philosophy. I know letting go is a journey, not a switch you can flip—easier said than done, right? Our brains need time to shift gears and "let go."

Every time I hit the ice, I skated at a glacial speed, my legs wobbling like Jell-O. My Fitbit watch kept cheering me on "You are in the workout zone, girl; great job!" Yeah, right! My brain was in a perpetual "fight or flight" mode, and my heart, catching up with it, was speeding up.

Recent brain research has taught us a lot about our brains. Our brain is wired to recognize patterns and react to any risk that resembles danger, which is why brain practice and real practice are crucial. Our brain can be rewired and learn that what feels like danger can become a friend.

When my brain was in a fight-or-flight reaction, my legs trembled, and my heart raced faster. All I wanted to do was flee and escape the frustration, but I decided to be kind to myself. These signals became my cue to understand that it was time to go outside the rink and sit on the bench. I took a few deep breaths, jumped a bit to relax my muscles, and told myself I was okay before returning.

When I fell hard and my body hurt, I didn't stop. I reminded myself that I am here to get up and keep going; that's what my brain is here to learn. So I stay.

I saw this little boy, about five years old, who spent a good two hours intentionally falling on the ice again and again, all while enjoying every moment. If a little boy can find joy in repeated falls, I can keep practicing even when I don't feel like it – I just keep showing up for myself like a champ.

 "Dear son," I said in a Zen voice, "What will take you four weeks, might take me a year, and I am totally cool with that. That’s why I signed up for this challenge. My goal is to stay no matter how long it will take my brain to feel I am safe, and anyway, people my age should practice balance a few times a week, so here you go!"

4. When things went terribly, I reached out and asked for help.

There was a day when I was practicing, and a guy at the rink approached me and asked if it was my first day (it wasn't; I had been practicing for a few weeks). He proceeded to tell me that everything I was doing was wrong. I later found out that this guy had only been at the rink for a few weeks as well and wasn't the most skilled skater to give a piece of advice, but he still managed to get in my head. Talking ice, I felt frozen. I was stuck—stuck on ice, stuck in my thoughts, and feeling stuck with my emotions. I felt like I didn't know how to fix my skating technique and that the group classes didn't help me build confidence. I asked my son to watch me skating, and he said, "Mom, you're doing fine, but if you feel stuck, maybe it's time to ask for help."

After removing our skates, I went to the front desk and inquired about hiring a private ice skating teacher. I realized the group classes could have been more effective for me, and I needed help.

These 30 minutes changed my life. I needed someone to tell me, "You're not doing anything wrong, but unless you start allowing yourself to go faster, you'll get stuck on the ice." That was it. Sometimes, we need to reach out and ask for help.

Stay away from people who think they know it all. Most beginners know nothing but feel like they can fix everyone else. Instead, be honest with yourself or listen to those who love you and suggest it might be time for extra help. It's okay.

My teacher is mostly the voice I need with this ice challenge. She is the one who shows me how I can improve from lesson to lesson. When I do something well, she celebrates with me and encourages me to try new skills to improve my skating skills and build my confidence and abilities.

5. And even though you figure it out, there are days that nothing works, but it is important to focus on progress (one of my favorite words)

A few weeks ago, I had a day. After weeks of my legs cooperating and feeling like I was getting the hang of it, I had a bad day. The ice was bumpier than a dirt road, more people were on the rink than at a rock concert, and I could feel myself spiraling out of control. I kept going, but let's just say I didn't exactly savor every single moment. It was definitely a bad day. I felt regression. But in the grand scheme of things, I've learned to skate faster over the past four months. My legs trembled less and less, I could swizzle forward and backward, and I could even shake my booty while doing pumps and slaloms with music in my ears. I've realized that learning and practicing new tricks is even more fun than just basic skating. When I was learning new ice skating skills, my brain had to adjust to new ways of thinking, like looking forward instead of down on the floor. When I finally mastered a new skill, I felt a great sense of accomplishment, just like my younger self. In those moments, I can't help but smile and feel proud of my progress.

6. Being part of a community

When I started running, I learned about all the runners around me who love to run. Now, I see all the other adults and younger adults who also come to practice in the ice rink. After a few times, they stop and say: "Hey, I see you here practicing, you are doing so much better," or "Can you teach me how to stop?" (not my best arena, but let me show you the basics…) or "I see you working on something, can I show you how I learned to do it?" Whether they are 15 or 40, we learn from each other and support each other. We all fall, smile, and keep going, following our different goals for being there.

There is nothing like a sense of community that shares the same purpose and passion with you.

I hope you found value in my ice skating journey observations. If you do, sharing is caring, so please share with others who might be going through a similar challenge, or follow me at @noaRcoach, or click HERE to grab a copy of my book: BEyond Leadership from AwareLess to AwareNess

And please, don't expect to see me at the next Winter Olympics. I'm here for the journey. Now that my brain and I are convinced that ice is fun and brings joy, I am curious to see how much more I can learn from it about other areas of my life to help me develop, grow, and lead BEyond.

What other non-work challenges helped you become a better self?

 In the gallery below, you can see me taking pictures after some practice sessions, and I am next to Snoppy at the Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts Creator) Ice Arena in Santa Rosa, CA. I was very inspired to learn that Schults built this Ice Arena and spent every day escaping his creative time and being inspired by the ice rink. He also played in the Senior Hockey League. Respect!

To learn more about Noa, click HERE

 In this gallery, you see me taking pictures after some practice sessions and me next to Snoppy at the Charles M. Schultz (Peanuts Creator) Ice Arena in Santa Rosa, CA. I was very inspired to learn that Schults built this Ice Arena and spent every day escaping his creative time and being inspired by the ice rink. He also played at the Senior Hockey League. Respect!

What other non-work challenges helped you become a better self?

The Being of the System – Part 2: Leading Change

The Being of the System is an idea I developed and shared in my book "BEyond Leadership." Following the book, I recorded a video series called "Lean Back," inviting leaders to create space for themselves and their people to reflect and innovate. It is the "best of" my coaching conversations and tips with executive leaders.

The first part focused solely on grief. Click here to check it out. The second part focuses on how systems are "acting out" in times of change.

I dedicate this two-part article to anyone who is feeling immense pain and grief right now due to work of life transitions/change. This is my way of sending love and light to anyone who would like to embrace what is in this two-part article in whatever need and way suits them or would like to share with someone who will gain from reading these articles.

My daughter started to work in a restaurant to support her rent as a student in NYC. A month into her new job, her manager left, two new managers replaced the one who left, and seven new team members were recruited to do the same position she did. She called me frustrated and concerned about the change. She misses her old boss; everything was so much easier with him. And what if the new managers do not like her and send her home? She only works part-time, and the new seven work full-time; maybe she is less valuable. I could hear the concern in her voice. She is only four weeks into her new "real job," and already a change that is quite big for her. Change is never easy, I told her, and I know you appreciated your old manager; he was very kind to you. I believe that restaurants have high turnover, and in many places, if possible, they will recruit a bit more staff than they really need. You already mentor the new employees, so that's a good sign! Your managers have trusted your abilities since you started. And, I added, take this work change as an opportunity for growth. She was unhappy with my last sentence, but I kept going (I am used to my young adult kids not appreciating my words of wisdom when they need consolation.) Today's reality for your generation (Z) is that you will experience change every few months: Technology, people, Reorg. If you don't get used to it now when you work as a part-time employee or a student in a restaurant, you will find it more challenging to adjust to changes in your following jobs. Take this experience as an opportunity to work on the muscle of change and resiliency; the earlier you learn it, the easier it will be for you.

Years ago, if you didn't like working for a fast-paced, growing organization that was constantly changing, you would have considered moving to a larger one. Large-size organizations moved slower, and you could have settled down and done your work with less stress.

Buy not today! No matter who I talk to or coach, large organizations, small organizations, for-profit or not-for-profit. Everyone has experienced nonstop change and life transitions in the past few years.

Smaller organizations choose to grow or reinvent themselves to have leverage over the large ones. In contrast,

large organizations learned that to stay relevant, creative, and even agile, they must shake things up, primarily by reorganizing their teams. Every few months, they move people around to create a "startup experience" that will keep their people on their toes. One leader told me a few years ago: "Oh, since we talked, the leaders announced a new reorg. They say here that if you don't like the change, anyway, it won't last more than 7-10 months, so it's okay." Bitter joke…

So, if "Change" became our new reality, why is it still so hard? Why do we find it challenging as leaders to influence or lead a change? I believe it's because of what I call The Being of the System.

I believe that two main energies lead our way:

• The DOING energy is the energy that facilitates actions.

• The BEING energy consists of our thoughts, emotions, fears, aspirations, perspectives, and limiting beliefs.

The Being and Doing energies do not compete with each other, but mostly, there is one that is more dominant than the other. As I shared in my first article, we redefine who we are in the new reality in times of change and transition (even when positive). The experience of redefining who we are and saying goodbye to the old one is a shape of grief.

For example, promotion can bring thoughts and emotions of who I am without the friendships of my former team members. Who am I going to be when I lead a new team? Who am I going to be with this new company? Before I was a Subject Matter Expert, everyone reached out for my expertise, but now, in the new company, people need to earn my trust to see me as one. This redefinition of ourselves is about saying goodbye to our old selves and accepting or embracing a new one. No matter if this experience is invited or not, we will experience some level of grief. This is when the being energy is more dominant, and it is very challenging to move into action. Even if we try to move, we put a lot of energy into it with little progress.

When leaders lead change, not one but many in the system have the same experience and try to redefine: Who are they going to be in this change? No matter how much the leader attempts to push the system into action with the change they lead, the Being of the System will slow them down and even stop them.

Let's look at a situation in which a leader ignored the system's being and moved too quickly into action and how the system slowed them down.

One of the leaders I worked with had to take her team through Reorg. The team will move to a Matrix structure. If people previously reported to one manager, now they will report to many. The authority of the managers was not clear as often when an organization chose to shift into a matrix structure. It was a significant change for the company. This leader prepared for this change and how to communicate it for a long time. From strategic planning to role plays, she was ready for the change. She even did some work independently to resist the new way of work.

After communicating the change to her team, the leader I coached met with the new team. They took a few moments for intros, then she jumped into a working session. She wanted to discuss the gaps she identified with the management team and how the team could improve on those gaps. The conversation with the new management team did not go as expected.

"You won't believe how sarcastic they were, I was not able to achieve any productive conversation with them. I am surprised by how resistant and disrespectful they were!"

What do you think?

Let me reframe this experience. I don't think the management team was resisting the change, nor was it disrespectful. I believe the leader ignored the Being of the System in the room.

When we lead a change, we must remember that, unlike our people, we have a long time to prepare and process the new situation. While the leader had time to process her thoughts, emotions, and even resistance with her peers, her direct leader, her HR business partner, the consulting firm, and even me, her coach, her team did not have the opportunity to process their thoughts, emotions, and views about this new situation.

What could this leader have done differently? Rather than jumping right away to action, closing the gaps, and discussing the following steps, she could have addressed the Being of the system and created space for people to express their thoughts, emotions, concerns, aspirations, questions, and clarifications. By DOING that, she ignored the Being energy of the system (the team) in the room.

We need to remember that when people undergo a change process, they need time to digest this new situation and experience different emotions, concerns, beliefs, and views. While my client, the leader, was going through this process with the executive team to prepare for this change for over a year, the new team had a few days to process the new situation. They were still not ready to move into action.

When you see people slowing you down or stopping you, it's your signal that there is a need to address the Being energy of the system and not avoid it or rush too quickly to the Doing.

Lean back and reflect on an uncomfortable situation where you notice the system using sarcasm, criticism, gossiping, acting out, or any other re-action that slows you down or stops you from moving to action. This is an invitation for you to take new action.

Here are a few next steps you can take to approach the system in a new way and prepare yourself for these conversations:

• Name the experience: What do you notice with the system?- What's going on, team? - What questions do you have following what I have shared with you?

• Meet the team where they are

• You have already processed your emotions, thoughts, and concerns—now they need space and time. If you create the space for them, maybe they just need to express themselves openly.

• Ask open-ended questions to address their Being energy. What are some thoughts that you have?- Or any other open-ended question that can address thoughts, emotions, concerns, or views.

• Oh! And one more important step – a relationship is a two-way road.

  Don't forget to share where you stand and your view on this new situation: "I think it won't be easy; there is a lot of work ahead of us, but I also know you are a strong team, and the members here are experts in what they do." Part of building trust with your new team is for them to hear what you feel and think as their leader.

So, how would you pay attention to the Being of the System next time you lead a change?

If you liked this video/article and would like to go beyond with your leadership, please share with your circle and subscribe for more.

The Being of the System - Part 1: Grief

Intro:

The Being of the System is an idea I developed a few years ago when I published my book "BEyond Leadership." Following the book, I recorded a video series called "Lean Back" about leadership and executive coaching. This video series, accompanied by new articles related to the videos' topics, is a collection of the"best of" my coaching conversations with leader clients.

When it was time to post the video and article about the "Being of the System," I could sense some resistance to posting what I wrote. For some reason, I felt that it was not ready yet!

I have learned through writing that if my body and intuition tell me that "it is not there yet," I will let it "be" without pushing unnecessary action.

What I have learned since that resistance is that grief would meet me in unexpected corners of my life, which plays a big role in the idea of the Being of the System.

I devote this two-part article to anyone in this world who is feeling immense pain and grief right now. This is my way of sending love and light to anyone who would like to embrace what they need in whatever way suits them.

The Being of the System Part 1- Grief

A few weeks ago, every coaching session and every conversation I had with a leader, friend, or family member was around grief. I am not kidding; every session was around a different emotional toll followed by the death of loved ones or the death of a peer at work. Not only that but in our personal life, one of our loved ones experienced an unexpected, devastating health situation that brought much sadness and grief.

Grief is an intense and interesting concept. We all know that grief is the emotional loss we experience when we say goodbye to someone we know or love. However, grief has many more layers that we might ignore or not consider as grief. We might think that we are depressed or something is "off", but we will not acknowledge our experience of grief because death is not part of it.

In this article, I invite you to notice how grief is currently part of our life in many more layers and experiences than we think.

What is grief?

Grief is an overwhelming experience of deep sorrow, but sorrow is the first layer of emotions. We experience many additional emotions, from anger through disappointment to self-pity. It's big and overpowering at the same time.

Why is that?

I believe it is the impact of our Being Energy. What do I mean by "Being" energy?

I believe that we all have two energies within us:

• One is the DOING energy.

• And one is the BEING energy.

The Doing energy is the energy of actions; we all know how to do things, how to act, and how to get things done. Some of us even refer to ourselves as "Doers."

On the other hand, there is the energy of the Being. That energy consists of our thoughts, emotions, fears, aspirations, perspectives, and limiting beliefs.

The Being and Doing energies do not compete with each other; like Yin and Yang, they complete each other.

How the Being Energy and Grief are connected?

In times of grief, the main question we ask ourselves is: "Who am I going to be without that person? Who am I going to be in this new situatio?." The special need we have to redefine who we are in the new situation brings to the surface many emotions, thoughts, beliefs, aspirations, and fears that together impact the being energy, which grows bigger and bigger. In contrast, the doing energy becomes smaller with no energy to move or act. Even when we try to move to action, it feels like we push the gas pedal when the brake is pressed.

This is why grief can show up in any experience of life/work transition, not only in challenging moments like divorce or becoming empty nesters but also in positive and exciting situations. For example, when someone has a new baby, they need to redefine who they are in this new role in their life; the role of a parent who is responsible for another one's life and needs– they need to redefine what it would look like for them to be a parent.

When a team member is promoted to a Team Lead role, they need to redefine who they are in this new situation. Friendships might need to be redefined with their peers, and their tasks and responsibilities will shift too; what would it look like for them now?

Whether a work/life transition is positive or negative, the essence of redefining who we are in a new situation is the experience of grief, grieving our old self and redefining our new self.

So, if you plan an organizational change as a leader, be aware that your people might be going through a few different transitions simultaneously that create an experience of grief that feeds our Being energy and impacts our actions.

I can experience the positive change of having a new grandchild while realizing that I might need to say goodbye to a close friend and move to work on a new team. At the same time, different transitions in work and life require redefining who I am in these new experiences, which impact how I show up with my doing and being energies.

Grief is not one, but many. It shows up in positive and negative situations, and our role as leaders is to pay attention to the different layers of grief we experience and be aware that at the same time, it is happening to our people. The Being of the System is the grouped emotions, beliefs, aspirations, thoughts, and mindsets of a few different individuals.

In the next article, I will address how the Being of the System can slow leaders down or stop them when they ignore the Being of the System.

Strengths or Weaknesses?

What should get more attention when we want to develop and grow? Our weaknesses or our strengths?  

Strengths are the inner gifts that help us take action or show up with others at our best. But what happens when we don't show up at our best? What happens when you promote a person on your team and they don't show up at their best? What then?

Where should the focus be?

In this article, I will share why I believe that when you partner with others to develop and grow, you will see more results when focusing on your strengths.

I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership and their teams. Are you ready? Let's go. 

 When leaders often share their coaching goals, they focus on how they can become their better selves. How can they grow or help their team grow? And, nine out of ten times, the focus of their goals will be on fixing a weakness they have. 

But in a study by Don Clifton at the University of Nebraska, we can see why focusing on strengths can be more beneficial for yourself and your team. 

 Clifton and his team observed two groups of High School Kids.

• One group was of fast readers who read above average– they read 350 words per minute with comprehension

• The second group was of average readers, reading 90 words per minute with comprehension

Both groups received the same speed reading course to see what would happen. The results showed that the average readers improved by 66%; they went up from 90 words to 150 words per minute. Impressive right? 

What do you think happened to the fast reader’s group? 

Take a moment to guess before you keep reading this article. 

The fast readers improved from 350 words to 2,900. That means they enhanced by 828%. 

Wow!

That shows us that when we work from our strengths, we and others get hundreds of percentages more from us using our powers. And still, some of us cannot let go of our weaknesses. I get it. This is how our brain is wired: the brain pays attention to what's not working or can cost us our lives. This is the ancient brain that protects us from life and death-situations.

This is also how our world works; we want to fix problems no matter what they are, from politics to clean water. We all focus on resolving issues; therefore, if we are not good at something, we should fix it. Right?

I will challenge this view – is it right?

Where do you see yourself thriving? When people or your inner chatter tell you you are not good enough or when your strengths are recognized? When you or others focus consistently on what you need to improve, do you notice your energy going up or down? Do you see more defensiveness or progress? Do you witness self-judgment or curiosity? 

 So here is the golden rule:

When should you focus on a weakness?

When you receive consistent feedback around a specific theme that requires improvement along your life path from different people on different work and life experiences, maybe it is time to look at this area as an opportunity to improve. Or ask yourself how you can use your strengths to improve in this area.

 On the other hand, and some will disagree with me, our strengths can sometimes get us in trouble. Mostly it happens in times of change, when we enter a new role, get promoted, lead an organizational change, or any other new life or work situation.

 Since we want to feel successful in times of change, we might "overuse our strength." Intuitively we sense that by accessing our strengths, we can achieve goals, influence, impact, or any other outcome we or our supervisors have in mind. And this is when we use our strengths in a way that might not serve us.

Here are some examples that you can get in your way with your strengths (and there are many more): 

• If you are strong at execution, by overusing your ability to get things done, you might not delegate or micromanage.

• If you are strong at problem-solving, you will tell people what to do to bring results rather than empower others.

• If you are very analytical, you will want to ensure you explored any data point and might not move to make decisions or actions and slow down the process or others who wait on your decisions.

• If you are good at building trust and relationships, you might ask too many people what they think and not move into making a decision.

 Creating awareness can help you regroup and turn down the volume on how you use your strengths in a productive way for yourself and others. Do you see people frustrated? Do you notice people not talking in meetings? Do you get feedback that you are not delegating, or maybe, on the other hand, not moving into action?

Those are red flags to lean back, pay attention to, and ask yourself – what strength am I using too much or maybe it is time to use it in a new way that can serve myself and my team/peers better?

When you run through this exercise with yourself, build on your learning and pay attention to your team; who does not perform well or looks deflated? Are they working from their strengths? Why not? Are you or others getting in their way? Are they in the wrong role? How can you empower and recognize their strengths? Who on your team shares or completes each other strengths, and how can they complement/collaborate/mentor each other? How can you delegate to others what fits their strengths?

 How do you approach the strengths and weaknesses topic? Anything you would like to share or add? 

 If you liked this article and/or video and would like to go beyond with your leadership or support another peer to go beyond with their leadership and their teams, make sure to like and share this article and subscribe for me.

Cheers!

Toxic Positivity - When we don’t leave room to anything but positive

"I have to stay positive."

"Why are you always so negative?"

"I know, I know, I need to stay away from my negative thoughts."

"It's okay. Everything is going to be fine."

Come on, everyone! Let's stay away from negativity and look at the bright side."

"We have to stay positive."

We can see that on social media, we can see that in conversations with friends and even at work. Why, so often, do we tend to tell them that everything will be okay when people have a challenging situation?

It seems like positive emotions are the only ones we can have. 

What's going on?

Why is there no room to feel it all?

What will happen if we open the door to give ourselves permission to feel it all?

In this article, I will invite you to look beyond the positive and see how maybe we got the Positive Psychology idea all wrong because of Social Media or some unclear movement.

So wrong that until I did some deep dive to research and get a better understanding of what is Positive Psychology I didn't realize how much harm we can be doing to ourselves, to the people around us, and as leaders of our team members and peers when don't allow anything but positive in the room.

There is even a new term for this phenomenon—toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is when the environment and the surroundings tell us that we need to stay positive all the time; there is no room for negative feelings or thoughts. And that experience can lead to shame, anxiety, and even low engagement and mental health issues in the workplace. 

So let's see how, as leaders, you can influence a different experience when you identify toxic positivity in your team or with your leadership.

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies like you to go beyond their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

So let's take a moment to understand what positive psychology is. During the 90s, the Positive Psychology movement was established by Martin Seligman; the main idea behind this movement is that when people reach therapy, rather than diagnosing what is wrong with them, they choose to look at their strengths, what emotions, thoughts, or behaviors serve them, and work for them. 

Sometimes I say that when people meet with me for the first time, they are all gray; it can be seen as if they might have lost connection with the part in them that makes them shine and feel at their best. Sometimes in one conversation or even more, you can see the colors coming back when they are reminded through a coaching conversation that they are creative, resourceful, and whole human beings with many strengths that helped them get to where they are today; they need that reminder.

Unfortunately, with the rise of social media posts in the past few years, most of us focused on showing the "good stuff" in our day. No one will want to see my frustrated face when the kids fight with each other in the back seat of our rented car during our family trip to Yellow Stone Park. People would like to see smiling family pictures with a background of beautiful views and my smiling face with a cup of coffee. We started to see faked reality that communicated without words: "show me the positive, don't be toxic with your low emotions and lost suitcase; no one wants to see that on their daily feed."

But the Positive Psychology movement did not intend to eliminate the space for emotions or thoughts that don't serve us. Understanding them can help us create a new perspective on ourselves and the world surrounding us and be more gentle with ourselves when we feel low. We learn to give permission to be with these emotions and thoughts without freaking out that something "bad" will happen if we experience them.

What do we miss when we don't allow anything but positive?

1. You think about it more.

    Every time we don't want to think, talk, or feel something, the research shows that we think about it 49 times more. Giving yourself permission to be with the "unwanted" thought or emotion will save you time and spiraling with the self-deprecating thoughts that might sound somewhat like: "Why do I keep thinking about it???"

2. The Negative Bias. 
    In a few of my articles and videos, I mentioned these phenomena.  Our ancient brain was programmed and even obsessed with searching for our mistakes and failures. Why? Because one mistake had cost us our life. So even though we don't live in the out, the mechanism is still with us. So whether you want it or not, our brain is programmed to search for the negative first. 

3. Our emotions

   Some people break the word emotions to e - motion, energy in motion. Our emotions are not staying the same all the time. At the last minute, I probably had a lot of different emotions going through me, and so did you. I don't know a single person that is happy all the time. Our emotions, like energy, change many times. We are happy, sad, frustrated, excited, and so on. Emotions come and go, and we can learn to remind ourselves that one emotion, even a negative one, will not stay forever.

The problem is that when we don't create room for ourselves, another person, or as a team (or family) for any thoughts or emotions but positive, we unconsciously can create an experience of toxic positivity, where some people can feel it is not safe to share what they feel or think. The research shows that suppressing emotions can lead to shame, anxiety, and disengagement in the workplace. (Talaifar & Swann, 2020, Campbell-Sills, Barlow, Brown, and Hofmann, 2006.)

Here are a few ways you can reassess your approach to leading yourself or a team without stepping into Toxic Positivity:

1. Let them be 

    We tend to jump into fixing emotions and thoughts. Most people need us to be with them. It can feel uncomfortable because we were trained most of our lives to fix problems. Sometimes just acknowledging where the person is can do much more, even if you cannot solve the experience for them. 

2. Empathy and Compassion 
   I wish you, the leaders of the people I coach, were with me in the coaching conversations when clients share how much your compassion and empathy opened the door for them to see themselves the same way. We can be hard on ourselves. When our leaders remind us of our strengths and our need to be gentle with ourselves, we can access something within through this open-heart acknowledgment and give ourselves permission to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves. It is one of the most powerful moments I see in my interactions with my clients; Don't underestimate your ability to inspire and simultaneously remind your people that it is okay not to be at your best all the time. It is okay to recover; it is okay to breathe; it is okay not to be okay. When you give permission to your people, you reframe for themselves how they see themselves. 

3. The words: should, need, have

   Those three words, should, need, and have, can bring a lot of judgment and shame to the other person or ourselves. When hearing these words, call on your people. For example: "I hear a lot of shoulds or needs in this conversation – I am curious what do you want?"

As a leader, if you identify that your team or you lead discussions with a language that can facilitate toxic positivity, and there is no room for nothing but positive, here is something I will leave you to ponder on:

Emotions or thoughts are not "positive" or "negative": Although we have judgments of them, what if we asked: "What can I learn from this emotion/thought at this moment, what is it trying to communicate to me?"

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Gratitude Practice - What does it Even Mean?

“Dear journal, I am thankful for my health. Dear journal, I am grateful for my family. Dear journal, I am thankful for the food we have. “
Okay, so maybe there is a better way to approach gratitude? 

Many times when I mention gratitude practice to my leader clients, they have the same look on their face that I used to have when someone said they practice "meditation."; It is the look of "come 'on another woo-woo thing that people who wear tie-dye shirts do?’“ 

In this article, I will clarify gratitude practice and suggest a few ways that might be helpful for you to experiment and see if it helps you boost your energy, focus, and adversity and brings a sense of joy that might be missing in your life. 

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

In one of my last videos, I mentioned the negative bias. The negative bias is a tendency we focus in our day, week, and life on the things that don't work for us. For example, you had a wonderful day at work, and then around 2 pm, there was one annoying coworker comment. When you come home, and your partner asks you how your day was, all you remember from that beautiful day is that one annoying comment and respond with a grumpy face: "I had better…." That's what we call the "Negative Bias." Our ancient brain was engineered to be obsessed with our mistakes, with our failures, because the focus on the mistakes and failures made sure we learn from them; that was our way to survive our life in danger out and about. This Negative Bias mechanism kept us alive. The mechanism stayed as in many ancient brain behaviors, but the need is different. 

The good news is that we can reprogram our brains. Our brain CAN learn new ways that serve our new life needs. One of the ways to teach our ancient brain to lower its focus on the negative bias is to focus on progress, what's working, and gratitude.

• Progress – where can we see improvement?

• What's working – where we can recognize and appreciate what we do well?

• Gratitude – where we can appreciate and be grateful for what we have in our lives?

 To learn more about the Negative Bias and rewiring your brain check out my article HERE.

Multiple studies show that gratitude can boost our well-being and improve our mood. A study published in Applied Psychology in 2011 showed that people who practiced gratitude for 15 minutes before they went to sleep slept better and had fewer negative thoughts. Another study found that people who practice gratitude have fewer negative emotions like resentment and anger.

Being more aware of gratitude's impact on our lives, I have noticed a pattern. When I coached successful leaders who are more resilient and find it easier to adapt to change, I asked them what made these attributes their strengths. The answers were the same repeatedly; they were grateful for what they had had in their life. Many mentioned that expressing gratitude was something they saw in their house with their parents or grandparents or another influential leader or teacher they met in their life journey.

This supports other studies that positive and grateful people are contagious; many want to get closer to them. Many successful people practice gratitude every morning.

How do you practice gratitude?

There are many techniques, but I will share three that most of my clients appreciate and, most importantly, find easy to adapt as a habit. 

1.     Journaling

Here is how I define Journaling; Journaling is writing your thoughts and emotions in whatever fits you. There is no right or wrong way to journal; there is no specific length of writing which is good or bad. It can be one word or many pages. It can be a few times a day, every day, or every few days. It can be different from one day to another. The important thing is that you take the time to express your thoughts and emotions in writing and/or drawing/doodling and any other art that suits you. Maybe even composing what we are grateful for?

Here are two you can try.

• The Long List – take time to write down 50 things in your life every day that you are grateful for. This technique is not for every soul. But the purpose of this approach is that the more you write, the deeper you must challenge yourself to see what you have to be grateful for. The competitive, or those who like a challenge, can enjoy this practice. 

• The Shortlist (the Zen Approach) - If, like me, you prefer short and deep. You write two or three things you are grateful for every day, but you have to be specific. 
  Write a specific sentence that expresses why you are grateful for your health: I am thankful that today I could work out for 30 minutes even though my right knee hurts. Instead of writing a vague short sentence like, I am grateful for my health. Or rather than writing, I am thankful for my family, write a specific example that explains why. For example, I am grateful that my son in college called me today, even though I know he prefers to text. 

2.     Visual/Imaginative way - Scan your day and choose the best images of your past day.

 One of the best ways to reprogram your brain to focus on what's working is before you sleep. Before you go to sleep:

• Scan your day.

• Look at all the visuals in your day, somewhat like a video.

• Click the Pause Button on your remote when you identify a moment you are grateful for and be with it.

To appreciate that moment and keep scanning the video of your day, focusing on moments of gratitude, you can take a moment to enjoy and be with them fully.

3.     Praying

Praying can be a religious practice, but not only. Praying can work well for people who like to express their thoughts and emotions out loud. It can also be an excellent gratitude practice for people engaging in or reconnecting with this routine. Prayers can be poems or quotes you feel can be a perfect way to express your gratitude; they can be religious prayers or prayers from a prayer book you like; they can even be prayers you wrote yourself. Prayers can be a poetic way to feel and express how grateful you feel for what you have in your life.

If you choose to experiment with gratitude practice in one of the ways I mentioned above, or a different way, I invite you to pay attention to your day or the day after you practiced gratitude. When I try a new habit, I do my best to be consistent with this new habit, but when I miss a day rather than being upset with myself, I move into curiosity.

What do you notice about yourself when you practiced gratitude vs. the days you didn't? Did something feel different?

 Did you feel more focused? Did you feel more positive? Do you have more energy? Did you sleep better at night? If nothing changes, let it go. But if you notice a shift in the way you experience life, in your ability to deal with challenges and even experience more joy, maybe it's a new routine you can add to your life. 

Thanks for watching. If you liked this video and would like to keep going Beyond with your leadership, please follow me @noaRcoach, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and check out my Beyond Blog here www.noaronencoaching.com