Proactive vs Reactive - How Brain dump Can Help You BE Intentional with your time.

“How are you today?” I asked Lisa when we started the session.
Lisa had the nervous smile I see many times when I work with executive clients. It is a smile that communicates to me: “I am here because I am committed to the coaching process,”
“What’s going on?” I asked smiling back.
“I have too many things pulling me in different directions right now that I am not sure what to tackle first, to tell you the truth – I don’t even have time to think about how am I feeling or doing right now.”
Lisa was overwhelmed. She was promoted a few weeks ago to the role of VP of Operations, her team size, due to an organizational change that has been tripled. She loves what she does, and she also wants to show her managers that they made the right decision promoting her and trusting her abilities. As you probably assume, she has so many tasks, so many new responsibilities, and she feels that she doesn’t have enough time, that she can’t possibly get everything done. Sounds familiar?
“Lisa, how about we try something that might help you feel more present and less overwhelmed?”
“Seriously? That would be fantastic, I am in!”
“Here is what we are going to do, Lisa, take your notebook or at least A4 paper.”
“Give me a sec!” Lisa said and grabbed paper big enough to do the exercise.
“Okay Lisa, here is what you are going to do, you are going to do what I call ‘a brain dump’ take as much time as you need to write down everything that is floating in your head right now: concerns, plans, to do, anything, and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING, from work to personal from meetings to doctor appointments. Take as much time as you need I will wait quietly.”
I love seeing my clients getting everything out of their heads into the paper, some are going inwards quietly, thinking thoroughly while others sit on the edge of their chair filled with energy.
“Done!” Lisa said.
“How do you feel now?” I asked
“Oh gosh! I feel so much lighter, I actually feel relieved. I can see all the things I need to take care of, and actually the picture on paper is not as bad as when it was in my head. There are a few areas that I now realize that if I delegate to other people it will be so much easier for me, than doing it myself.”
“Yes, when you can see everything that was in your head, you have a picture and you can start to identify some trends and then make decisions on them, or choose what new actions you can take. The problem with keeping the planning items in our head, especially in roles like yours, is that we make them bigger and then we feel overwhelmed and some can even feel anxious. On paper, we can see our reality with clarity.”

Here is why Brain dump can help you be more strategic about how you manage your time:

1.     Work with your brain not against it.
Many of us use our minds to remember things. But as David Rock writes in his book  Brain at Work, the brain is not meant to multitask and accumulate information, but to create and understand patterns and help us make them part of our habits, or autopilot actions. We’re not supposed to keep things in our brain, not multitasking when we do that we get in its way. So do your brain a favor and write down your vision, goals, tasks on a piece of paper, a tablet, a computer-however you do it, and let your brain work on what it needs to work. When a million thoughts, or even just a few, are clouding your mind, the situation seems much bigger and creates anxiety or concerns. Once you write them down, they seem a bit smaller. So if you’re ever having trouble sleeping due to thoughts or concerns, get out of bed, write them down, and you’ll be able to sleep peacefully.

2.     Identify the Trends
Now that you can see everything you have on a paper, you can start organizing your thoughts, look for trends, and then plan your actions.
Look carefully, what are some areas you can set some boundaries with yourself and others? I find that many times it is not other people who no boundaries, but actually we are the ones who don’t have boundaries and say yes to everything others ask us to do. So start by asking yourself: Is this a task I should/need/have to do, is it 100% true? If it is not, maybe it is time for some conversation with self or your managers about priorities – where your time should be spent?
Beyond the should/have/need – what are the tasks you want to do? Have you accomplished them or maybe by not setting boundaries you are out of focus?
Now, there are times we choose to say yes to tasks that are not 100% for us to do if it is to create trust, build relationships, or any other reason. I get it, at times it makes sense to say yes, to things you mostly would say no to.
Another important trend to look for in your list is delegation  – does everything on the list must be done by you? Maybe your child caregiver can set the doctor's appointment for you? Maybe your team members are ready to learn new skills or make decisions that look different than your approach or solution, but can still bring good enough results?
What can someone else on your team (or at home) do instead of you? Delegate the tasks instead of doing everything yourself.
The last important trend to look for are strengths – our strengths can help our ship to sail, but at times when we focus too much on our strengths it can get us in trouble. A few days ago I coached a client that problem solving is one of his top strengths, it worked well when he worked as a successful salesperson But now when he was promoted to lead a team of 20 people he realized in our conversation that focusing his efforts on problem-solving is the easy way to go, it is easy to go there and show his people how to solve a problem or focus most of his day on solving problems. At the same time, this focus actually pulling him from feeling focused or creating strategic processes with his team. “It is so much easier doing problem-solving than going to what feels more complicated, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t bring the results my managers expect from me now – making processes more efficient and my team more independent. This strength is getting in my way…” Pay attention – where do you spend most of your day? How one of your favorite strengths can get in your way from bringing the results expected from you.

3.     Move from tactical only thinking to strategic planning
Like the laundry pile in our house, anyone who likes to write long lists knows that the list will always stay long; you can’t achieve everything on a list with dozens and dozens of tasks. One of the main problems with long lists is that our focus stays on solving problems, we add another item and another item, and rather than planning and being intentional with what we want to achieve we let the list mislead our way and be reactive. When you are acting reactively, you are not thinking about the big picture, and often causing more work for yourself in the future instead of being focused to get the job done. Plan your week and your day, be intentional and focused, and you will find yourself being more productive, wiser, and doing what you want with your time.

Being intentional with your time is thinking strategically, being reflective, delegating tasks, realizing how many meetings you can actually fit in a day, and giving yourself the ability to create personal time outside of work for yourself like self-care, working out, or doing 5 minutes meditation after lunchtime.

How can you work on this muscle so you take the lead on your list rather than the list misleading you?

• The Zen approach – have 2-3 main goals. Start with yearly goals, and then move to 6 months’ goals, then go to your monthly, weekly, and daily goals.

• Weekly look - Every Friday afternoon, or during the weekend or Monday morning look at your calendar and define 2-3 goals for your week that must be accomplished. Sometimes I even challenge my clients to focus on only one goal.

• Every morning before you start your workday and BEFORE you open your inbox, identify 1-3 goals that must be accomplished for the day.

Pay attention goals can be as simple as walking home, or go on a walk for 15 minutes during lunch break for self-care, or finish the report you need to write for your manager and you have 1 hour to sit quietly and do it with no distraction. Never set goals that are not realistic, if you have back to back meetings, it is probably not a good day to work on your report or look at a strategic plan.

As one of my clients just told me: it always looks so big in my has, planning and breaking things to small chunks makes a difference, from feeling that I am not capable I see that I can. So what are you waiting for? take a piece of paper and get started with your brain dump, you probably have tons of great ideas stuck in your head after reading this article.

Stick to Your Sticky Notes and Plan Strategically

One of the benefits of working as a coach, at least as I see it, is that I can accomplish most of my work remotely. Working remotely means many video meetings. Whenever people see my video screen, they ask me about my colorful background.

You see, the whole wall behind my desk is filled with sticky notes. It is not decorative, though I do need a lot of color in my life. The sticky notes on the wall behind my desk are a live representation of my strategic business plan. I believe that having a business plan on my computer, stuck in a computer folder or file folder, doesn’t count. When it is on the wall you can SEE it. It is there bothering you, making sure you don’t ignore it and when you do ignore it, others who see it on your zoom wall keep reminding me to stay committed to my goals.

Why did I start using sticky notes?

When I started my coaching business, I bartered my coaching services with a woman who edited my first coaching blog. Beyond having editing skills, this woman, who was also a TV producer, suggested I try organizing my writing-thoughts using post-it/sticky notes. She told me that this is a tool they use as TV producers. On my way home from the meeting with her, I bought myself a colorful package of sticky notes. Since then, the sticky notes go everywhere with me, from coaching sessions to workshops to strategic thinking sessions. They help my clients organize their thoughts. The sticky notes are your tool to work on your strategic thinking muscle and then brainstorm ways to implement your vision.

Here is how I work with sticky notes:

1. Each idea gets one sticky note. It can be a word or a sentence. Do whatever feels right to you.

2. After you have a few notes on the table/wall/door, try to see if you can identify trends or specific topics.

3. When you start seeing some themes, group the ideas/word by topic.

4. Now that the sticky notes have allowed you to start creating connections between your ideas, you can move on to actions. Again, on each sticky note, you will write one action step.

Tips:

• Color indexing – use colors to differentiate between different topics/themes, or between the title of each theme to the steps/ideas/goals you have. For example, all marketing goals and actions will be in one color. Another option is that you identify that there are a few different marketing goals like blogging, social media, and virtual/life networking. Then, each marketing goal will get a different color.

• Workflow - when I listen to my clients, we can leave the session with a workflow. If your mind is wired to think in workflows, I would encourage you to take the next step with the information you have and organize your sticky notes as a workflow of your ideas.

Sticky notes are a playful way for us to take the thoughts we have in our heads that focus on the tactical side and make them more strategic. What’s cool about this tool is that when we put our thoughts on physical space and start moving them around, we can see the optimal organization of our ideas that have stayed too long in our heads. This is a different way of organizing our thoughts while still creating space for us to take a pause when we feel stuck and revisit what we have and move things around and see what makes the most sense for us.

If you haven’t yet played around with sticky notes, I hope it will inspire you to try this creative, strategic way thinking, and if you share the same passion for sticky notes as me, let me guess… you probably love notebooks and pens too – I knew it! :-)

External and Internal Accountability - How Can You Stay Accountable to Your Goals?

OKRS, KPIs, Business goals, personal growth goals, team goals, sales goals; we all know that it is important to take the time for some individual/team internal check-in and ask ourselves what are the things we need to let go of, and what are the things we want to sustain and keep doing,
We understand the importance of moving forward and achieving our goals, but the main challenge is, how can we hold ourselves accountable to achieve the goal we set for ourselves? 

 The article's primary goal is to give you the tools to stay accountable for the things you say you will do as individuals or teams. This article can also help a manager (and even a parent) to support direct reports who can't deliver on what they have, accepting responsibility for the progress, whether it is a success or failure. 

 Work with you, not against you!

Let me start by saying that most of us don't see the results we want because we work against ourselves. We see what others do and get upset with not being able to do what they do. Not only do we focus on beating ourselves up, but we are also stuck and don't see a movement. So let's start with a quick awareness that can help you let go of the burden.

 External Accountability vs. Internal Accountability.
In her Assessment – the Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin, explains our tendency to expectations. One crucial point you can take from her idea is that we have internal/inner or Outer/external accountability.

• External accountability – is our need to be accountable to someone else so we can achieve goals. You are motivated to achieve your goals with another person. According to Rubin, most of the population is motivated by outer expectations. How do you know if this is you?

  • If you are one of the people who ask: "Why is it so easy for me to deliver on my promises to my family/friends/team/clients, but it is challenging to deliver on my personal goals?" you are motivated by external accountability.

  • What will encourage you more to work out? Paying membership to the gym, or knowing that your friend is waiting for you at 5 am outside the gym to join them? If it is the latter, then - you are motivated by external accountability. 

• Inner accountability – you can set goals and achieve them yourself; you don't need others to achieve your goals. How do you know it is you? You will start your day with a list and achieve most of what you wrote on the list by the end of the day.

 When you understand your motivation, you can design the system you need to create to achieve your goals.  Here are a few ways to design your system without going against your tendencies – experiment with the different methods, and feel free to reach out to me and share great ways that worked for you that you would like to add to this list!

External Accountability: You need to find partners that will help you stay accountable to your goals or desires. Here are a few different ways to establish these partnerships and make sure you are on the right path for you and your accountability partner. 

•  1:1 Accountability Partnerships - An accountability partner/partnership is with someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. There are different accountability partnerships. Some are paid for their time like a performance coach, or personal trainer, while many establish a relationship meant to support each other on needed goals. Let's review a few options of accountability partnerships:

  • Accountability Partner for business/leadership/personal growth– my accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly business goals, business challenges, and aspirations. When a challenge or opportunity arises, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. Some even sign a confidentiality agreement. 

  • Specific Accountability Partnerships – this is a partnership to achieve a particular goal for a limited time, like Weight loss, meal planning, work on a specific project like writing a book, filming videos, and much more. 

    Whether it's face to face or remotely, there are many ways to work with an accountability partner; some will state the task they would like to achieve during the meeting, then each one will work on their task. Others can focus on their discussions on progress, challenges, and goal setting. There isn't a right way; there is only your way and your aligned needs.

  • Pets – yes! We don't always need another human friend to help us stay accountable. Pets can be excellent accountability partners to a specific task. Whether you want to start running, walk every day, or BE more present with your life. I have many clients who realized that having a pet helped them meet a specific need.

  • Social Media – A few years ago, after I went on my run, I posted my first "On The Run" video, letting everyone know that from now on, every time I run, I will post a video. Putting it out there made me accountable for this project and posting videos for more than two years after I run. If you know putting out a specific task can help you with your goals – put it out there – why not?

• Groups – the same way some prefer the one-to-one partnership; some like group accountability with more space for reflection and different perspectives.

  • Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.

  • Group Coaching is an opportunity to take the foundations of one-to-one coaching and move them to a group setting with a coach who holds group coaching facilitation skills. During the meetings, the group explores preferred topics, and at the end of each session, the members state how they are going to keep working on the topic. At the beginning of each meeting, the members report back to the group on their progress. The main difference between group coaching and a mastermind group is that group coaching requires a coach's facilitation. In contrast, a mastermind group can discuss topics without having a coach who facilitates the conversation.

  • Online groups – from social media groups to apps like noom and Fitbit, many have the option of online discussions and even coaches/mentors and group facilitators that can help the group process and share their thoughts, challenges, and resources. Find the group you can share your goals and get group support. 

Design the relationship agreement - Remember, like any relationship, to establish a partnership, you need to discuss with your potential accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and what you both need to do and be to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not easy to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.

 To learn more and prepare for this conversation, I have created a special document you can download here and support you through this conversation.

 Internal Accountability:

People who feel motivated by internal expectations do not need an accountability partner, but there are many other ways to help them achieve their goals. Here are a few creative ways:

• Stacking – if there is something you want to do, make sure you connect it with another action. For example, when I want to go on a run first thing in the morning, I will prepare the workout clothes the night before. This way, when I wake up in the morning, I have no excuses not to go on my run.

• Gamification – most internally motivated people like competition. If it is right for you, too, you can look at your weekly goals and give each goal a score. The more challenging the goal is, the higher the score will be. For example, writing an email is 1 point, while if networking is something you are trying to avoid – doing this task, you will give yourself 20 points. Competitive people will feel when they see their score going higher and higher each week. It takes some planning but can be very helpful to achieve goals you are trying to avoid. 

What are systems you can identify you already created unconsciously in your life to achieve goals and stay accountable?
As you can see, your outer or inner accountabilities play a significant role in achieving your goals. – find the system that works for you- remember, don't do it their way – do it YOUR way. 

 Are there other systems you have created to stay accountable?

Leaning Back - why Listening Will Move You From Tactical to Strategic leadership

Ever since we were little kids we were taught to be good through our actions, we all heard the adults saying: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and share your toys.” So we learned the formula that our actions are what is expected of us and what makes us be seen and rewarded, so we act. But there are areas in life, like leadership, where actions aren’t enough. In fact, adopting the approach of jumping as fast as we can to fix problems will hold us back. 

Why? You see, our autopilot tendency is geared toward doing what we know, fixing problems. Fixing problems distract our focus from intentional strategic thinking that requires slowing down, to reactive tactical solutions.
What is the difference between tactical and strategic thinking?
The definition of the word tactic is to plan, focus on tasks, or procedures that can be carried out; it may be part of a larger strategy. On the other hand, strategic thinking is a larger overall plan that can comprise several tactics.  Essentially, tactics are the nitty-gritty details, while strategy is about the big picture. Tactics are an extreme close-up of what is happening right now or very soon; the twig and sticks of the bird’s nest. Whereas strategic thinking is an expensive view, you can take a step back or beyond to spend time thinking about how the future should look like; like the bird meta-view when it flies above us. When we work as leaders, instead of simply looking at the current situation and reacting to what is happening in the right here right now, we need to expand our vision and be intentional. Instead of initial, reactive responses, we need to think our actions through in order for them to be meaningful and influence in the long term with impact and sustainable results. 

How? lean back and slow down so we can listen.
In one of the first sessions with a new client, she asked me to help her “design a plan to convince the IT team manager that her solution for the marketing process is the right way to go.”  Notice the words: my solution, and the right way to go. Instead of working to solve the problem her right way, I invited my client to go back and listen. Listening can be hard when we have a solution. We want to fix, get over and move to the next item on the to-do list. When we believe that our way is the best way, we lose the ability to be open and see what others in the room have to say. 

Here are a few steps you can take to practice slowing down, leaning back and listening first so you can move toward an intentional way of being and doing:

1.     Lean Back
When I’m cooking with my son, my impatient doer wants to take over and get things done. He will ask me how much oil to put in the pan and all I can think about is the mess that will be if the oil will spill on the floor. Let’s face it, doing it myself is faster and definitely cleaner - for now. It is tempting to want to take the bottle and keep things clean and let go of the stress the internal control freak I am sensing within. But this is my focus on the now.  Yes, it was messy internally and on the stove, but giving him space allowed him to learn new skills. It wasn’t easy to remove myself and push her, the control freak within, as far as possible from the stove area and the pan. I had to find within the ability to overcome my tendencies and let him handle things slowly, and even fail.  Not only can he cook by himself and save me the cooking time and cleaning time, but he also has enough confidence to come up with creative recipes of his own that I never would have thought of. Let your tendencies and autopilot lean back and lean in by taking time to listen. 

2.     Listening without misleading toward your solutions
One of the best ways of leaning back while focusing on listening is by asking questions. Questions that focus on being curious about the wants, needs, and ideas of others can remove us from listening to ourselves to listening to others. The problem is that most of the time when we shift to listening and asking questions, the voice inside us that wants others to follow our solutions and show others that we are right. This is when the questions we ask lack curiosity, filled with judgment, and focus on leading to the right solution we have in mind. What can you do? 

• Stop using leading questions - leading questions, or as we probably should refer to them - misleading questions, are questions we ask to lead people toward our solutions, or toward our want for others to see that we are right. Questions like: “why do you think your idea is practical?” makes me question your question, what you are actually saying without saying is: “show me why your idea is good because, from my worldview, I believe that my idea is better than yours.” Another leading question is a question that has the solution within: “How can you stay away from using the report you suggested?” or “Do you know that by using this report you can do X, Y, and Z?”

• Why vs What questions - One of the best ways of asking exploratory questions is by staying in curiosity. There are two main ways to stay in curiosity, the simplest but not the easiest one is to ask “What” questions instead of “why” or “how” questions. “Why” questions communicate without words to others that we believe our solution is better when you ask why questions, it is as if you’re saying: “I already know the right answer, and it is your turn to explain to/show me why you are not wrong.” What questions, on the other hand, come from a place of curiosity and exploration. “What are your thoughts on this idea?” “What are your ideas for solving this problem?” “What task would you be most comfortable executing?” or as simple as: “I am curious, what….?”

Pay attention next time you ask questions; when you ask WHY questions do you see people defending their idea or feel frustrated with you? When you ask WHAT questions do you see people taking a short pause, and even look surprised?  Is there openness and willingness to explore together?

3.              Lean Back Again
Each time you want to go faster and lean toward a solution ask another ‘What’ question. Challenge yourself to keep asking “what” questions again and again and again. Stretch yourself to explore as many perspectives, possibilities, and ideas. 

4.              Check the Energy in the Room
The leaders who know it all, who have all the solutions, focus on educating, explaining, and solving problems. If you have a tendency to teach and educate your team you might notice that when you take over the conversation the people in the room are less engaged, and go inwards. On the other hand, when you focus on asking questions, explore, invite people to find solutions to gaps you or your team identified -people are more engaged, they come up with solutions (maybe not your favorite ones, but when others come with solutions they also take ownership of leading the process.

Pay attention: How comfortable your team or peers are when you stretch yourself to be in curiosity?  How engaged are they in the conversation? Do you suck the energy from the room, or does it feel specious? Are people stiff and holding back, or are they talking casually like they would to equals? Do they want to keep the conversation because they feel heard and seen, or are they defending and reacting and even triggered? If you sense that the energy is low, you have a choice: you can keep sucking the energy and explain and educate, or you can shift and let them find the answers. People are resourceful and can reach out to you when they need your help.

 Leaning back, listening, asking questions, leaning back, even more, asking more questions, and listening while being present with others’ solutions allow others to feel empowered,  resourceful, and engaged. Not only others will take ownership of the solutions they find, but it will also open up space and time for you to focus on planning and being intentional for the long term solutions while others focus on the tactical approach.

The Change Formula (DoXBe^3=Change)

Why? Let me explain the parts of the formula I designed:

DOING aND BEING ENERGIES

I believe we all have two energies within:

The Doing Energy is the energy of actions, everything we need to do, the constant planning of moving forward – the just do it. 

 We all know how to do; we actually learned to focus on doing as kids when we heard the adults telling us: "Be a good boy clean up your room," or "be a good girl do your schoolwork." We learned early on that actions are what makes us seen as good, so we act. Let's face it; doers are the ones who are being seen, and mostly the ones who are promoted.

But! There is a certain point that actions alone are not working for us anymore.

This is where we need to pay attention to the Being Energy.

The Being energy consists of our mindset, emotions, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and concerns.

The Doing and Being energies don't compete with each other –– I see them as two energies that complete each other. Paying attention to the Being while doing create new actions that can take us up to the sky or slow us down, and even make us feel stuck. I like to explain that through sports. You can have two Tennis players with the same set of skills; the one who wins the game is the one that engages knows how to use to their advantage the being energy. They practice a mindset that manages non-serving thoughts and emotions and utilizes those that can help them win.

C H A N G E

Whether it is positive or negative, the deal with change is that change brings a flow of emotions and thoughts – why? The feelings and thoughts all come from the same inner want we have in a time of change – the need to redefine ourselves in the new situation or reality – we need clarity:

• Who am I going to be in this change?

• What will happen to me?

• What will happen to my organization?

• Am I going to lose?

• Am I going to win?

• Am I going to be forgotten?

• Am I going to be seen?

• Now there are expectations from me – what if I fail?

• Why do others leave? Should I be concerned?

• Why is there so much uncertainty and change? Does that mean that our organization/leadership is not stable enough?

• Is this time the change is going to be different?

• And for some, it is just a simple hope: maybe this will be the last change?

** Note – The same need to define ourselves in a new situation shows up when you are promoted from a team member to team lead when you get married or get divorced when you move to another country or start a new job.

Back to the formula round #2:

I found that the formula is a more straightforward tool to help teams and individuals redefine their way of being and doing in a time of change and what is missing for them to feel different.

So let's look at the formula again:

Do – our actions 

Be^3 – I broke the being energy into three main e’s

- emotions

• Do we experience negative emotions?

• Do we experience positive emotions?

• Do we feel overwhelmed with our feelings?

• Do we feel excited?

Our emotions impact our energy, thoughts, and mindset that will affect how we show up with our actions.

- expectations

• Our high or low expectations will influence our emotions and our actions.

- energy

• Is your energy is high or low?

  • Suppose your energy is high good news! You have momentum, and my recommendation for you is to go! Influence and inspire others to join your vision.

  • If your energy is low, you don't inspire. Inspiration comes from the phrase – in spirit, in light. When you don't inspire, you are missing the spark. Mostly it is because you lack connection and clarity with your purpose and vision, which makes it hard for people to follow or feel inspired by you. If you identify that this is your experience, ask help from your manager, a mentor, or a coach to better understand your why.

As with driving a car, each component in the formula –– from the gas handle to how much gas you have in the tank can impact how far the car can go. 

Back to the formula round #3:

Doing - When we push firmly with our actions, it doesn't mean that we will see the change we want faster. While we focus on activities, some people would feel that we run too fast; it could be that their emotions and/or expectations are not aligned with our vision, and therefore their energy is low. In this situation, the more people share the same energy, expectations, and emotions, the more chances they will slow us down. It will be helpful to address the Being of the system as I call it.

Being – when as a group of individuals we all share the same emotions about the change, we can move closer to drama or low energy, and this way, our ability to move into actions can be scarce.

When we understand the formula, it can create a language for us to share where we are and invite courageous conversations with each other.

Creating Awareness through Courageous Conversations:

People slow you down or trying to stop you when you lead a change? 
Invite a conversation to understand where they see a gap or have concerns, don't ignore their being energy.

Have you noticed most of the team thinking and slow to make decisions?
 This formula can give you the language and opportunity to invite the team to see that we are in our thoughts and being, and there is no much conversation to move to action.
A great place to start is asking the team: "What is one first step we can take with the data we already have?"

Have you noticed your team running fast, maybe even too quickly? Do you feel that it is hard for you to catch up with all the planning?
Take a moment to invite the team to lean back – doers don't like to slow down, but they like the invitation to take a moment and think through. Let me tell you a secret, even if it will be hard to admit - they love it, and I know because I am a doer ;-)

Remember, in each meeting and moment of the day, the room is filled with different emotions, thoughts, expectations, and energy; even from one meeting to another, you can find yourself being and doing differently.

To learn more about the change formula and how you can establish courageous conversations at your organization reach out to Noa Ronen. Noa enCourages leaders and their teams in companies that experience constant growth to challenge the way they think and communicate in the reality of constant change.

How can you become a better listener by replacing only one word?

Can you guess how many results Google shows for the inquiry "How to be a better listener"?

The correct answer is 67,100,000.  Let's wrap our heads around that for a second... So many people who want to improve their listening skills. 

But why? Why is it so important for us to work on our listening skills? 

• When you listen, you feel present with the other person; you focus on what they say, think, and feel rather than thinking on your to-do list.

• When you listen, you can ask better questions and provide better guidance to your people.

• When you listen, you can communicate to people that you care about what they say and curious to learn even more about their perspectives, thoughts, aspirations. As one of my clients said: when I come with my listening ears, I come without a plan, my only focus is the other person's thoughts and ideas. 

Still, even though it is such an important skill to have, I can tell you that so many of my clients find listening challenging.  Listening is not easy; most of us are wired to identify gaps and problems, suggest solutions, fix, act, teach, guide, and share our knowledge.

So how do you learn to listen at ease?

I will share my number 1 tip of all times; it works time after time as clients and friends share later with me. No matter their role, culture, or identity, they all report back with how much they love it.

Ready? All you need to do is replace your WHY questions with WHAT questions.

What?
Yes! Replace your questions that start with why with questions that start with the word what.

But Why?
Let me explain the why behind the what. 

Let's take a journey back in time, to our childhood.
Remember when as a child you asked the adults:
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong mom?"
Why-questions are great for helping kids to get a better understanding of the world around them.
Then, somewhere around high-school age, from trying to understand how things work, we start to form our opinions about the world and start developing their unique core values system, what we believe is right or wrong. This is why teenagers question everything we, the adults, do.
From our core values and perspectives and beliefs, we create opinions of what's right and wrong. And that's how we move from plain curiosity to crude judgment. When someone else thinks just like you, they become part of your team, but we label them as wrong if they happen to have a different perspective. 
We are quick to judge when we listen, not because we feel inferior, but because our brain has already made its mind.
As much as why is sweet when we hear it from a child when adults ask why questions in the meeting room, what others hear is: "can you explain to me why I should believe your idea/solution is better than mine?" and they shift to play defense,  Defense is not an answer to curiosity; a defense mechanism is a response to the judgment.

What?
On the other hand, when you ask What questions others feel, you want to genuinely understand where their idea/solution comes from, what questions communicate curiosity. It feels different.

Check it out
Next time, if your child does something silly, I invite you to ask them: "What made you do that?" instead of "Why did you do that?"
I promise you a delicious answer rather than a muted response decorated with some tears or one "because" or "I don't know."
If someone shares their idea or solution in the meeting room, maybe you don't see the reason or need behind it. try to change your question from: "Why do you think we should go with this solution?" to "What made you come up with this solution?"
Can you sense the different energy? I promise you they can.

 Why vs. What, Curiosity vs. Judgement.
Why triggers my opinion, while What gives me the signal that you want to listen and even want to have a deeper conversation to understand where I come from and what I stand for. You communicate to me with one word that you want to learn more about me.

If you experimented with What questions and found value in this article, please share with your friends, or write in the comments what was your experience.