How To Be A Better Listener? Shift Your Why Questions To What Questions

Can you guess how many results Google shows for "How to be a better listener"?

7 million?

27 million? 

 Or maybe 67 million?

The correct answer is over 67 million.

Let us wrap our minds around this number for a second - so many people are looking for solutions on how to be better listeners. Why being better listeners is so important? 

The short answer is that when you listen more, you become a better communicator, you empower people more to share their ideas and bottom line, it allows you to be a better leader to your people.

Think about some leaders in your life? Were they the ones to talk all the time or create an experience where you are welcome to share your ideas, and everyone is welcome to share their ideas, even if the ideas can challenge the leader's thinking or vision?

In this article, I will share a great tip that can help you be a better listener. This is one of my top favorite tips that, every time I share it with my clients, they are excited to try; actually, it is my #1 hit tip on my leadership coaching tips billboard. 

So why is it so challenging for many of us to be in listening mode?

Here are two main reasons:

1. The Culture Aspect - In some cultures, we learn to show up, react fast, be the first to talk, show up, to be at the front. Other cultures appreciate the internal processing, the slower pace. Whether at school or in the meeting room, it is not enough if you do not speak up and share your thoughts.

2. Learned Skill – we never learned how to listen. Period. We also never learned as speakers how to create a room for the listener to have their turn to speak. Now, more schools are using different techniques to teach kids at an early age how to practice listening. They use listening sticks and other techniques to help the kids be better listeners, not only to thoughts but also emotions. My wish is that we will see those skills being practiced beyond preschool and elementary school.

3. Quiet can be Uncomfortable – in some situations; we feel very uncomfortable being quiet. We ask a question, and the people in the room are quiet; it can feel as if they do not have any ideas, or maybe they do not know the answer or find the answer, But coaching people for many years and also being a mom I learned that each time when I ask a question that the immediate answer is: "I do not know," and I keep sitting still, quiet and allowing the space, people always find the answers. So next time you ask a question, and they say I do not know, count to 100 and then count again. People are creative and resourceful; it is we who need to learn to be with the uncomfortable experience.

So how do we become better listeners? There are many ways, but my favorite is moving from questions that start with the word WHY to questions that start with the word WHAT.

Why?

What questions come from curiosity and exploration; they are inquisitive. However, Why questions create a sense that we are judging the idea, that the other side needs to convince us why their idea is right and move them into defense.

Why "Why Questions" can be experienced by others as judgmental? Let us take a journey back in time to our childhood. When kids are small, they ask why questions like 
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong?"

These questions help them have a better understanding of how the world works. Then, somewhere around our teenage, we start to form opinions. These opinions are based on our short life experience, what our parents and teachers told us, and what we heard on social media, opinions about, well, just about anything and everything. Labeling the world as black and white, right or wrong, is what forms our core value system. We create opinions of what is right and what is wrong. This means that when someone else thinks just like you, they are part of your team, but if they happen to have a different perspective, we label them as wrong. This is when we use why questions shift from a sweet exploration of a small child to a question about right or wrong. 

Let me give you an example,

that can help you understand this idea better. Have you ever seen what happens when an adult is upset with a child that did something wrong or silly? Mostly when the adults ask the question: "Why did you do that?" What is the child's response? Mostly the child will look down and won't answer, and if they answer, they will say something like: "because…" and stay quiet. Some kids or teenagers will push back on the adult and answer something defensive like: "well, no matter what I do, you will blame me."
However, instead of asking them: "Why did you do that?" you will ask: "What made you do that?" I promise you that not only they will answer, but you will get a better understanding of what made them do that. Can you feel the difference between the two questions?
Why did you do that?
What made you do that?

If you tried to experiment with your kids, please share what interesting answers you received from your kids in the comments.

Let us try another one - you are sitting in a meeting room, and your peers suggest an idea - you are not a fan and you ask: Why do you think we should go with this solution? vs. What made you come up with this solution?

Can you sense the different energy? 
Why vs. What,
Curiosity vs. Judgement.

Why triggers protecting my ideas because I feel I must defend them, while What questions create space, I can sense that you are curious to understand what I was thinking and want to learn more about my ideas and way of thinking. It also makes me more curious and explores my own ideas while answering your questions. The outcome will be a rich and deeper discussion that allows you to learn more about how others think and where they come from.

 So next time you sit in a room and want to be a better listener, all you need to do is change one word, from why to what.

 If you liked this article and looking for more tips to go beyond with your leadership, check out my beyond blog: https://www.noaronencoaching.com/beyond-blog

Transcript 

Can you guess how many results Google shows for how to be a better listener? Maybe it's 7 million, maybe 27, or maybe 67 million? The correct answer is over 67 million. Let's wrap our minds around this number for a second. So many people want to be better listeners. And still, listening is very hard.
Have you heard that annoying sentence "you have two ears and one mouth?" Still, listening is very challenging.
Today, I'm going to teach you a great tip that can help you become a better listener. It always works. Actually, it's my number one tip of all tips with my clients. They love it.

Hi, I am Noa Ronen, I'm an executive and leadership coach. And I work with executives, leaders, and founders like you to go beyond their leadership. If you're ready to dig in and learn more about beyond leadership, hit the subscribe button and let's go beyond.
Want to be a better listener? It's very simple. All you need to do is replace your why questions with what questions?

What?

Why?

Let me explain the difference.

What questions come from curiosity. While why questions come from judgment, and they get in your way of having a real conversation with another person.

What? But why?

Hey, we just talked about it. Use WHAT questions, right?

But why?

What makes what questions better than why?

Let me explain. And for that, we need to go back in time to our childhood. We all know that cute experience where kids ask us why questions? Why is the sky blue? Why do I need to eat broccoli? Mom? Why can't I lie? Why questions are a great way for kids to try and understand the world better. And then when we go forward in time, and they become teenagers, that's when they start forming the world and understanding what is wrong, and what is right from their why questions. And this is when we move from pure curiosity to somewhat of a judgment, we create a judgment and opinion of the world with what is right and what is wrong. And therefore some people will be right and part of my team and some not. And when you ask your peers and direct reports the question why, they feel they are judged and need to defend their idea when they talk to you. You see, when we ask people why they come up with that solution, what they feel or what they think is: “now I need to defend my idea,

I need to move you to my side, I need to convince you.”
Defense is not an answer to curiosity. Defense is an answer to judgment.

Now, when you ask what questions, it feels different.
Let me give you an example. Have you ever seen when a child does something silly? And the adults ask: “Why did you do that?,” Have you seen how the child reacted or responded? Mostly they will shrug their shoulders look down and say nothing? Or maybe just say," because." And maybe they will move right away to defend and attack you, especially the teenagers, right? Now my invitation to you is next time when you see a child or a teenager do a silly thing, ask them: “What made you do that?”
I want you to write the answers in the comments. Because it's hilarious. Every time I asked my clients to do that they come back with awesome stories.

So try that rather than asking, Why did you do that? Ask them what made them do that? Now think about it. If you sit in the meeting room and you ask your direct reports or your peers or people you work with on a project, I can promise you, you will get a different conversation. Rather than defending each other's ideas, you will have a conversation that comes from curiosity.

Why versus what?
Curiosity versus judgment.

Why makes me want to defend my ideas. While what gives me the sign that you're really curious and want to listen and hear more of where I came from.

So all you need to do is replace one word. Doesn't cost a lot. Just give it a try, experiment. Lean back and try that: what instead of why. And let me know in the comments how it worked for you. If you like this video and are looking for more tips about listening, check out the next video on how problem-solving can get in your way of being a better listener.

How To Break The Emotional Or Thought Spiral? Four Techniques To Help You Work With Your Emotions Rather Than Controlling Them

A few years ago, during a work break, I went to the kitchen (as I do every day since I mostly work from home). That morning, when I opened the refrigerator, I noticed something different: I wasn’t breathing. Okay, I was breathing, but I could sense that I was pressing my lips against each other so hard it was as if I was holding my breath before diving into deep water.

I must say that I became very curious about this kitchen experience; what made me press my lips together in this way? The more I observed myself, the more I was amused with my being and how I was with my actions.

Apparently, during that time, my concern about the progress of a project I was working on kept me from breathing! I closed the refrigerator door and did something I had been resisting for a long time: I took a big breath.

It was a choice, a choice to shift from where I was; concerned and worried, some call it spiraling with my thoughts and emotions, to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe- to a new way of being with myself. Choosing to stop spiraling, closing the refrigerator, and focusing on breathing. I didn’t know that this moment would teach me one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned and will teach so many of my clients: taking a big breath is a pause that moves us to take back the lead on our emotions and thoughts. Move from autopilot spiral mode to being at a choice of how we show up with ourselves and others.

 Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage our emotional states and bounce back, mainly when our emotions run high.

We all have different methods to remind ourselves what we need to do: Post-it notes, electronic calendars and phone alarms can all serve as reminders for the actions we need to take, but how can we remind our being energy (the emotions. thoughts, and concerns) to bounce back when we feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, or let our self-limiting belief hold us back?
Centering techniques can help us pause and move to a place of choice with our being energy. 
Pause is the space in between that moves us from an autopilot way of being to control our emotional choices and, therefore, our mindset in different situations.

Pause #1 Breath

Taking a big breath is not about the need to calm down, but about the pause. Breathing intentionally creates a moment of pausing. This pause allows us to ground ourselves and ask the big choice question: “Are we willing or wanting to shift?”

 A few days after the refrigerator a-ha moment, I found myself lecturing my three kids during dinnertime . . . again. I could see myself saying the same blah, blah, blah that I used to say almost every dinner while my kids ignored me. That night, I chose to take a big breath intentionally. It wasn’t the big breath of “Let me bring the ‘Oy Vey’ guilt of a Jewish mother defeated again by her children’s daily behavior.” Instead, this breath allowed me to pause and choose, in this interaction, if I was going to stay with my daily routine and keep lecturing my kids, or shift to a new way of being/doing and be quiet. Everyone was waiting on me to keep going after the big motherly breath, but I didn’t.

In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that breathing brings us back to the present moment. That evening I learned that lecturing was more of a need for me than an action that brings value to anyone else at the table.

Pause #2 Tangible Reminder

A tangible reminder is an object that reminds us of how we can be our best selves. It is a reminder that what we feel or think is just a thought, and we can choose differently.

Research done by Millward Brown, a global leader in brand advertising, found that tangible, printed materials produced deeper engagement versus digital materials. The printed material evoked more brain activity associated with the integration of sight and touch. It gave a more robust emotional response that suggests a healthier memory formation and a deeper connection with personal thoughts and emotions.

 This is why touching or looking at a tangible reminder can be so helpful when we want to move into a state of choice.

Here are a few ways you can use tangible reminders:

• Touching an object on your body: wearing a piece of jewelry like a bracelet, necklace, ring, or a watch, and touching upon feeling stressed, and can help center yourself. If, like many of my clients, you feel nervous before speaking to management or peers, touching a tangible object or jewelry in your pocket can be useful. When you touch the item, it is a reminder that things can be different, that you can shift, it can help you relax and center yourself without anyone knowing that this is what you do. It is a simple yet essential action step that can help you regulate your emotions or shift your mindset and lower your stress levels or nervousness.

• Look at an object: Rather than touching the item, you can choose to look at something. For some people looking at a tangible reminder can be as powerful as touching an object to lower the stress levels and bounce back. 

Here are a few ideas:

• Desktop picture - A picture on your smartphone lock screen or computer screen

• A key charm

• A rock, or seashell

• Sentimental toy or decorative object you can put on your desk

• A quote

• A plant 

Pause #3 - Centering word 

As with a deep breath, a tangible reminder centering word/sentence is another centering technique that can help you pause and move into choice. One of my clients combined the action step of touching a tangible reminder with a centering word; she came up with the plan of touching her watch while saying, “It’s time.” It’s all she needed to escape conflict and bounce back from a high emotional state.

Pause #4- Stand Up

Part of spiraling creates a body experience where we feel stuck, The spiral takes over and it feels as if we are losing control of the situation, and very soon the emotions, fears, and thoughts will take over.
One of my clients was an executive that felt extremely low confidence in the leadership meetings. It felt as if all their peers are much more brilliant than them. It lead to a point where they didn’t share their thoughts during those meetings and of course felt even worse about themselves when someone else shared the same idea and received recognition - if only they shared their thoughts…
We learned that by standing up this executive was able to shift the energy and in a way take the lead back. It was their moment to pause and take over. Many of my clients find the option of standing up as a good way to break the spiral and center themselves.

When we let emotions and concerns react and lead the way (I don’t think we need to control them just lead them) in a situation that takes us on the wrong path of actions, it can be a red flag for us that we might need to explore a new way of being that can bring new results. Centering techniques take just a few seconds and will not only lead to a calm, centered, clear, way of being, but we will also see new actions. Train yourself to be more mindful, bit by bit, and you will see the results in the way that you lead your way of being rather than letting the unwanted emotions lead you.

Of course, you can use only one centering technique or engage all three: breathing, touching a tangible object, and saying a word. Centering yourself can help you feel grounded, calmer, and able to respond articulately and clearly when you feel nervous or unable to control your thoughts and emotions.

Some say it takes 21-30 days to create a habit, but it will only take 3 seconds to breathe. So right now, close your eyes and take a deep breath and start the journey of being at a choice your way. It starts with a moment of pause and intentional choice.

Lean Back - Create Space for Yourself and Others to Think

Transcript

Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, invited us to lean in. I challenge you to lean back. When we lean back, we create Space to think better and be better listeners. 

Hey, I am Noa Ronen and I'm an executive coach. And I work with executives, leaders, and founders like you to go beyond. So let's go. 

Slack, WhatsApp, Google Chat, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, text messages, remote school, workout, healthy food. That's a lot. 

I don't have time to think. 

I am reactive all the time. 

I am tactical instead of being a strategic thinker. 

Being an executive and leader and human, in general, these days is not easy. There is so much noise. From back-to-back meetings all day long, from 7 am to 7 pm. And questions for the different channels, we don't have time to think anymore. 

There is too much noise. 

Noise, it seems that we don't know how to sit still anymore and be with the quiet. 

Think about it. When you sit in the meeting room with peers or your direct reports and you ask a question and there is that awkward silence in the room, someone will jump right away if it's not you to save the day and say something. 

When you sit with your direct reports or peers and you ask them if they have an idea how to solve the problem, and they say, "Well, I don't know." Most of us have the tendency right away to jump up with solutions, rather than giving them a moment to process and find the solutions on their own. So lean back. 

Leaning back is not just to create Space for you to think. Leaning back is also for the people you work with. When you lean back, you take a moment to reflect and learn what worked and what didn't work. When you lean back, you talk less and you listen more. When you lean back, you have time to look beyond the little things and think beyond your frame. 

Do you need a moment, a reminder how to lean back? It's actually pretty simple. All you need is a chair of your preference. It can also be a sofa, and something you can to put your feet on. It's great. 

So let's do it together. I'm going to count down. 3,2, 1. Lean back. 

Actually, it feels really good. You can see more when you lean back. 

Just lean back.

If you liked this video and you want to dig in to learn more about beyond leadership, please subscribe to this channel. (and share with your friends) Just here.

Article

Slack, Teams, WhatsApp, google chat, emails, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, text messages, zoom, zoom, zoom.
You must speak up in meetings
You should be present with your people and stop multi-tasking
You should be less in the weeds and think more strategiclly

But how can you do that with the constant noise in the background???? 

 So yes, I hear a lot from executive clients and leaders words like: overwhelmed, busy but excited, stressed, and even burnout. And that’s before we even started to talk about life, or promotion or an organizational change.

It made me think about Space; today I learned that there was no space in between words many years ago. Only in the 7th-century were people introduced to commas and periods. For leaders to think, be present, and be more strategic, they have to create Space to think. Not just for themselves but also others. 

 Leaders need Space to think about questions like what is their leadership purpose? Or who are the people they need for their team, and what strengths do they have? Or what can make their teamwork more innovative or scalable, or efficient? Or why something they tried to influence didn’t work? Or what brings frustration?

Space

Leaders need Space to help their people grow.
When they learn to listen without interrupting, they can ask questions instead of giving answers.
When the leader creates Space for questions, they help their people share what they need and how they need it, and mostly the need is not for the leader to solve the problem.
Space allows both sides to process without rushing it.
In big meetings, Space creates room for everyone to share and engage.
When there is no space, mostly, one person is speaking and sucking the energy in the room. 

1.    Lean Back in meetings.

 Some of us speak too much in meetings. Lean back. Let others talk. Ask the questions, and be curious to listen to what people answer. When people don’t answer, count to ten and then count again. The problem is that we are expected to answer questions fast in today's world and be reactive. So many times when we have asked a question, the mental inner experience whispers if I don’t have an answer right away, it means that “I don’t know,” but most people have the answers; they just need a little more time to – think.

For that, we need Space.

2. Lean back when they ask you questions 

Our ego loves when people come to us for answers. It feels good.
But remember, the more you give people the answers, the more they will lean on you. 
The higher you go, the more you will need to delegate. 
Help your team to feel comfortable sitting with the “I don’t knows,” and create Space by a few simple questions like: “what do you think?” or “how would you approach it?” or “who do you think can be a good resource to learn more about this topic?”

 This is a good skill for your team to learn how to find the answers independently. 

3.    Listening with curiosity 

One of the best ways of leaning back is listening by asking questions. 
Questions create Space for you to listen to how your people think.
Questions create Space for you to listen to what your people never shared with you.
Questions create Space for them to talk and for you to learn more about what they know, what their strengths are, and maybe areas they need coaching, mentoring, or professional development. 
The problem is that when we shift to listening and asking questions, the voice inside us wants others to follow our solutions and show others that we are right. When the questions we ask lack curiosity, we ask questions that focus on leading others to the “right solution” we have in mind. What can we do? 

Let go of our right solution. Let go of the answer.  

The focus is not on the right solution but on learning how your people think and helping them find solutions on their own.
Leaning back, listening, asking questions, and being comfortable
with moments of quiet not only help you slow down and have focus time to think they also help your team think. 

So lean back.

Welcome to my project 21 X 21

 21 videos I filmed in 2021

 Why? Because it was covid and most of us were still in pretty much of a remote life, I needed a challenge that would inspire me to stay creative and stretch myself.

 In the past few years, I collected a list of topics from my conversations with my leader and executive clients. The topics that I could see that when we discuss their eyes spark, and something clicks. So maybe I can expand it beyond the 1:1 or group conversation? This brought me to a project of 21 videos, So hopefully, you will find value in those short videos, and if you do – please share with that one friend (or more) that can get value from them too. Thanks!!

Cheers

Noa

Six Things You Should Know Before Hiring an Executive Coach

Here you are - asking yourself whether you or your company should hire an Executive Coach to support you or a few people on your team. This professional interaction can provide a great opportunity for self-development, to take you from good to great, and to dare yourself to be the leader you want to and can be for your team and organization as a whole.

I gathered all the information I think you should know before you hire or consider hiring an executive coach. This information comes from questions I receive from new clients, people who reach out after they see me speaking in conferences, people who are watching my social media videos, or people reading my book and articles. Here are the six things you should know about executive coaching.

What Is Executive Coaching?

Let me take a step back and share the ICF (International Coach Federation - the international coaching association) definition of coaching: “Coaching is a thought-provoking and creative partnership that inspires clients to maximize their personal and professional potential, often unlocking previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity, and leadership.” 

An executive coach builds on these fundamental skills by helping the executive become aware of their leadership blind spot so they can achieve their personal/organizational goals and see consistent results. 

Mostly the coach and executive will decide on a few coaching goals to focus on for four to six months. 

So, What Is The Difference Between Coaching, Mentoring, Consulting, And Therapy?

With all the personal and emotional professionals out there, it can be confusing to understand what the difference between a coach and other professionals is. So let’s take a moment to make the distinction between the different professions.

1. Therapists identify the past events that are getting in your way of moving forward.

2. Consultants help you solve a specific problem by following steps they designed themselves and believe to be the best method. This mostly comes from their own experience.

3. A mentor is someone who walked the path you want to walk and helps you, from their own personal experience, to move toward this goal. 

4. Coaches help you close the gap between where you are right now and where you want to be. The coach does that by asking powerful questions that help you find clarity so you can move forward. 

Confidentiality

Being a leader, I knew that at times there are situations I can’t share with my peers, friends, and even with my husband. Executives are exposed to information that can be delicate or might feel very uncomfortable sharing with others. ICF certified professional coaches must abide by the ICF code of ethics, which requires the coaches to keep the coaching conversations with their clients confidential, no matter who sponsors the coaching. This is why even when organizations sponsor a coaching engagement, an executive coach is not allowed to share the conversation with their client. I can tell you that when my clients know that our work is confidential, we are able to have open-hearted conversations that allow a profound conversation

It Can Be Lonely Up There

Being a leader and having experience as a change management consultant, I learned that the higher up you are in the organization, the less you can share. Working with an executive coach can help you bounce ideas off of a trusted partner, or to take time to brainstorms some solutions to a challenge or opportunity. Some of my clients found it easy to hide or not be seen or to move on without taking a moment to pause, celebrate, and Reflect. Unconsciously, they learned that it is better to shy away rather than getting in trouble or being seen and hurt others. 

Having an executive coach can be a place to celebrate a breakthrough, promotion or success, especially if you overcome an obstacle or when you feel uncomfortable talking about it or celebrating it with your peers or even with your partner. It is important to sit with your wins and reflect on them too, as much as when you overcome challenges or mistakes.

Different Perspective

When you come to the coaching conversation, you likely have one or two perspectives on a current situation. Being on autopilot you might not have been able to notice your blindspots, or maybe you were too busy to take the time and think about them. The coaching conversation allows you to explore a new perspective and even identify some areas you might have been lacking clarity in, especially when you talk with someone who holds an external perspective and is not engaged one way or another with the other personas in the organization. 

Have An Honest Conversation With You

In her study about self-awareness, Tasha Eurich found that the higher you are on the corporate ladder the less self-aware you are. Why is that? Her study shows that a big part of it is that the higher up you are, the fewer people will tell you what they think. 

You know how important it is for you to receive feedback from your team and peers, still, according to a 2017 study from Quantum Workforce, about half of employees don't regularly speak their mind at work -- whether to colleagues or managers.  I know how much I craved honest feedback or conversation without people holding back, and if this a need you feel has not been met, my promise to you is to always have an honest conversation with you where I share how I experience you. 

 As you can see from this article, executive coaching covers a wide spectrum of leadership skills: vision, strategy, techniques, and even wellness. Each executive coach has a unique methodology and a unique perspective of what can help their clients thrive. This is why most coaches offer a free coaching session to help you identify your coaching journey, and see if the methodology the coach is using and their style will be a good fit for you. Take advantage of this opportunity and speak with more than one executive coach to see who you feel can fit your needs and whom you feel comfortable speaking with. 

Get The Checklist

To help you get ready in your preparation for hiring an executive coach, I gathered everything I discussed in this article to a one-page checklist.

SIGN UP

We respect your privacy.

How To Start?

To help you get ready in your preparation for hiring an executive coach, I gathered everything I discussed in this article into a one-page checklist.  As a bonus, I also added important questions that can help you get better clarity of what are your main coaching goals, and what you should ask your coach in order to make sure they are the best fit for you

Procrastination - Why I believe there is wisdom in our resistance to move into action and how can we start listening to it?

Well, here I am. It is the evening before this article is due. Did I start it a week ago, when I assigned it to myself? Of course not. I, like many, struggle with a common challenge: Procrastination. For years I fought this urge to put everything off to the last minute. I'd receive an assignment and say, "This time, I'm going to be organized. I'm going to start early, go bit by bit, and not put everything off to the last second. I will not procrastinate."

 My daughter can attest to this tendency. Every weekend, before COVID19 hit us, the two of us would head to our favorite coffee shop. She would work on her homework, and I would focus on writing. Writing during the workweek is very challenging to accomplish. So moving it to the weekend made sense. "Did you start?" she would ask me about an article or chapter in my book or a speech I had to work on. "I just need to work on something else that is very important, and then I will start!" I would tell her with a mother who knows it all face.

But, ultimately, we'd be heading to the car from the café, and she'd ask me, "Did you complete the task?" And time after time, I was forced to say, "I haven't even started."

Time after time, I'd end up in my office two days before the event or due date writing and practicing like a madwoman. And time after time, when my daughter came cautiously, afraid of the madwoman in the office, aka me... to say goodnight, she'd sigh and say, "Oh Mom, why did you wait until the last minute again?"

"Because," I'd say. "That's just the way I am."

 Even though my frantic preparation for these events was intense enough to scare away my family for the day, one time, I finally got my daughter to watch one of my speeches with me. My daughter looked at me, confused. "This is from when you procrastinated? From two days of preparation?"

"Yes, it is."

"But you did so well! If I waited to the last minute like you, instead of preparing ahead of time, I would be a mess!"

Maybe some of you are like my daughter, and perhaps you must start early for the sake of your mental health and internal peace. But for some, like me, procrastination stimulates a "good stress" that allows us to bring our best product. The moment I realized this IS my process, I became a free woman.

After years of struggle and self-deprecation, and endless coaching conversations with clients about this topic, it might be time to edit my business card and give it the additional title: Noa Ronen, an Executive & Leadership Coach, Speaker, Author, and a Proud Procrastinator.

Next time your procrastinator-tendencies cause internal conflict, how will you know if procrastination works for you or against you?

Does procrastination get you in trouble?

"I am such a procrastinator," one of my clients shared with me at the beginning of our session. "You know," I told him, "I believe sometimes procrastination is a good thing; let's try and see what it is trying to tell us…."

 "You know," he said, "I have never got in trouble for doing things in the last minute. I have never failed at school, or college; I keep being seen and promoted. Plus, maybe it just creates space for me to work on more important tasks?" 

 We took a moment to look at his calendar, and he said, "I think I will take care of this task tonight," then, while smiling, he stopped and said, "but I probably won't…" 

 "I love it!" I said, "a moment of honesty; So when are YOU going to do it? tomorrow?"

 "Nope," he said, laughing.

 "The day after," I asked?

 "No way," He replied, laughing louder, "I don't see getting to this task before the end of the week."

 "I have to ask you… how does it serve you when you put tasks on your calendar that torture you when you know you will not touch them until later in the week/month? You have enough on your plate - work with you, not against you."

Does the stress of procrastination lead you to create just an okay product or a fantastic product?

If waiting for the last minute helps you create a fantastic product, keep procrastinating; it is part of your creative process. Some research shows that in the "not doing," your brain keeps working and thinking and collecting different ideas that show up when you do the work.

And what if waiting to the last minute can get in your way or even gets you in trouble?

 I believe we can learn plenty from your resistance. I refer to it as the wisdom or your resistance. 

When you postpone doing something, I believe that most times, it's not because you are lazy or disorganized; there is a reason for your non-action that you are AwareLess to see for now. So, what is it that you're resisting? What can the resistance teach us if we take a moment to listen to it?

• Are you going against your core values? Your values like the north star, make sure you keep walking with integrity and follow the path of what's important to you. When you need to take on action against your core values, you will experience an internal conflict that will hold the doing. For example: if you're asked to stay late, and your core value is freedom, you may resist doing the task and check your social media feed. You DID stay, but your actions are keeping you in control of your value, or you will resent the request and act out.

• I don't know enough? Is it true? Suppose the answer is yes, you probably don't move into action because you are missing skills or knowledge. Still, at times people who lean to believe they don't know enough can get in trouble. They feel that no matter how much they learn, it will never be enough for them; this is when learning becomes their obstacle from achieving results. It is a wiser mechanism of avoiding moving into action. If you know that this is a pattern of yours and ongoing learning takes you away from achieving your tasks on time, here is my question to you (you can use this question with employees who hold this perspective); what is one step you can take with the information you already have?

• Purpose and Meaning - are you missing clarity about the purpose or the why of moving into action? When we don't understand the purpose or meaning of something we need to act on, we don't move to action. This resistance will show up with the goals you set for yourself or others. This is the essential information and an opportunity for you to step back and ask yourself:

• What is the purpose of this project?

• What is essential for me about this goal?

• What will people (or I) experience from sharing/creating/writing this message?
  
  It can sometimes be hard to find all the answers on your own, and you will need help from a mentor or coach.

• Maybe it's just not important enough? If you're resisting something or not moving into action, maybe it is time for an honest conversation with yourself and letting it go if necessary. The question I ask is straightforward: from 1 to 100 (1 being the lowest and 100 the highest), how much is this project important to you? Remember, no one sees or hears you, so be entirely honest with your wants, not your needs, have tos, or shoulds.

• Maybe your goal is essential, but not now? When I look at my plan/goals, I can identify a project or goal important for me but not now. Allowing ourselves to decided: Yes! But not now is helping up making sure we focus and prioritize the now while freeing our headspace from distractions.

 When we look at procrastination as something we don't do, we miss an opportunity to listen to our resistance's wise message.

Maybe procrastination can serve you? Perhaps it can help your creative juices flow or making you feel more in control? Time after time, my clients learn so much from slowing down and listening to their inner wisdom.

Maybe there is something you can learn from not acting on a specific task? Perhaps you can learn from checking in with yourself and paying attention to how you work? And maybe, just maybe procrastination is your intuition leading you towards YOUR way of heading to focused success?

­Negotiation – three Ways to Reach Mutual Agreement

When was the last time you had to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation? Can you remember how only thinking about that conversation impacted your energy levels. Whether it is uncomfortable conversations, solving a disagreement, or giving someone feedback, all these conversations have a negotiation component within.

Negotiation is a conversation where both sides need to achieve an agreement; if there is no disagreement, there is no negotiation or uncomfortable conversation. Period. Negotiation doesn’t begin until someone says no. Wouldn’t it be great if we can always have people agreeing with us?

The problem is that craving people saying yes to us and agreeing with us can get us stuck in the belief that negotiation is the act of doing our best to keep the other person from saying what they want to say: their no… This is why our mindset navigates the conversation on our hand towards hearing them saying what we want to hear – our yes. With that in mind, the way we address the exchange is from our want; for some, it will be by listening from our yes and ignoring what the other person has to say. For others, the negotiation conversation becomes a game they need to win; it is us against them, an either-or –– which can lead to a conflict. Therefore the question is not how do we handle a no response, but how do we turn the no go to let’s go!  Let’s go is when we have an alternative solution that works for both sides.

When I hear clients want to find in our session the right strategy to convince a peer that his/her idea is not good for the organization. What I observe is that their focus is on convincing the other person that they are wrong. This mindset closes the door to a conversation before we even started it. No one likes to hear that what they are saying/thinking is wrong. “What if instead of worrying about what the other person will say or why we need to be right,” I ask my clients “we can shift our focus to the idea that no one gets to be wrong and no one gets to be right?”
What if we change the focus? What would it look like if the other person and you were both together against the conflict? What would be possible then?

Let’s see the steps you can take to shifting your mindset from no go to let’s go together:

1. The concerns list.

When we think about the uncomfortable conversation we are going to have, many times, there are thoughts, concerns, and even emotions that play a crucial role in how we approach the conversation. Take a moment before you move into an action to pay attention to your being energy (your mindset and emotions) and write down all the concerns you have about the meeting. For example, concerns I hear from other clients many times:

“What if they don’t care about what I have to say?”

“What if they don’t respect my needs?”

Now let’s flip it and look at the other person. What would be the list of their concerns meeting with you? What would they write down?

Take a moment to write all their thoughts, frustrations, emotions, and beliefs.

Start with crossing over to their side. Look at the others' perspectives. Why might they have reacted to something you said or write the way they did? Why are they resisting your stance? There is undoubtedly a reason, and you’ll find that you will bring an open mindset perspective to the meeting when you take a moment to look at the world from their perspective.

2. “It is going to be hard” - What is the mindset you bring to the conversation

When thinking about the meeting, have you found yourself saying to another person or yourself before going to the meeting: “It will be hard,” or “I will need to fight to get what I want,” or “I know I will need to defend what I believe in.” Can you see how defensive and protective your view is in those moments? Without knowing what the other person will say, you look at the conversation from a heart at war. 

We choose how we step into a room, are we ready to put on the boxing gloves, or are we willing to wait and see what the other person has to say? Perhaps all you will need is to explain your perspective rather than defend it? Maybe, just maybe it is going to be easy?

3. Know your boundaries?

We need to know where the conversation starts and what intention we bring, but it is also essential to know where it ends; there are some situations where conversations will not go toward an agreement. This is why it is vital to understand what will make us say the final no and know that this is the end of the path for us or that from here our managers need to keep the conversation. Managers’ intervention doesn’t mean that you are weak, sometimes asking for help is actually the smart way to go; there are many situations that your managers need to solve organizational barriers that our peer and us cannot solve.

When we want to reach mutual agreements, both sides work together to bring as much value as they can it requires paying attention to what the other person’s wants and needs are. This is not an easy task, but slow down and ask yourself: “if I could bring compassion and curiosity to the situation what that person wants and needs are?” even if you view their reasons as irrelevant, not serious, or not realistic, understanding their challenges will once again help you stop fighting them and work together productively so both of you can benefit from the conversation and create value for the organization (or system) as a whole.