The Being of the System - Part 1: Grief

Intro:

The Being of the System is an idea I developed a few years ago when I published my book "BEyond Leadership." Following the book, I recorded a video series called "Lean Back" about leadership and executive coaching. This video series, accompanied by new articles related to the videos' topics, is a collection of the"best of" my coaching conversations with leader clients.

When it was time to post the video and article about the "Being of the System," I could sense some resistance to posting what I wrote. For some reason, I felt that it was not ready yet!

I have learned through writing that if my body and intuition tell me that "it is not there yet," I will let it "be" without pushing unnecessary action.

What I have learned since that resistance is that grief would meet me in unexpected corners of my life, which plays a big role in the idea of the Being of the System.

I devote this two-part article to anyone in this world who is feeling immense pain and grief right now. This is my way of sending love and light to anyone who would like to embrace what they need in whatever way suits them.

The Being of the System Part 1- Grief

A few weeks ago, every coaching session and every conversation I had with a leader, friend, or family member was around grief. I am not kidding; every session was around a different emotional toll followed by the death of loved ones or the death of a peer at work. Not only that but in our personal life, one of our loved ones experienced an unexpected, devastating health situation that brought much sadness and grief.

Grief is an intense and interesting concept. We all know that grief is the emotional loss we experience when we say goodbye to someone we know or love. However, grief has many more layers that we might ignore or not consider as grief. We might think that we are depressed or something is "off", but we will not acknowledge our experience of grief because death is not part of it.

In this article, I invite you to notice how grief is currently part of our life in many more layers and experiences than we think.

What is grief?

Grief is an overwhelming experience of deep sorrow, but sorrow is the first layer of emotions. We experience many additional emotions, from anger through disappointment to self-pity. It's big and overpowering at the same time.

Why is that?

I believe it is the impact of our Being Energy. What do I mean by "Being" energy?

I believe that we all have two energies within us:

• One is the DOING energy.

• And one is the BEING energy.

The Doing energy is the energy of actions; we all know how to do things, how to act, and how to get things done. Some of us even refer to ourselves as "Doers."

On the other hand, there is the energy of the Being. That energy consists of our thoughts, emotions, fears, aspirations, perspectives, and limiting beliefs.

The Being and Doing energies do not compete with each other; like Yin and Yang, they complete each other.

How the Being Energy and Grief are connected?

In times of grief, the main question we ask ourselves is: "Who am I going to be without that person? Who am I going to be in this new situatio?." The special need we have to redefine who we are in the new situation brings to the surface many emotions, thoughts, beliefs, aspirations, and fears that together impact the being energy, which grows bigger and bigger. In contrast, the doing energy becomes smaller with no energy to move or act. Even when we try to move to action, it feels like we push the gas pedal when the brake is pressed.

This is why grief can show up in any experience of life/work transition, not only in challenging moments like divorce or becoming empty nesters but also in positive and exciting situations. For example, when someone has a new baby, they need to redefine who they are in this new role in their life; the role of a parent who is responsible for another one's life and needs– they need to redefine what it would look like for them to be a parent.

When a team member is promoted to a Team Lead role, they need to redefine who they are in this new situation. Friendships might need to be redefined with their peers, and their tasks and responsibilities will shift too; what would it look like for them now?

Whether a work/life transition is positive or negative, the essence of redefining who we are in a new situation is the experience of grief, grieving our old self and redefining our new self.

So, if you plan an organizational change as a leader, be aware that your people might be going through a few different transitions simultaneously that create an experience of grief that feeds our Being energy and impacts our actions.

I can experience the positive change of having a new grandchild while realizing that I might need to say goodbye to a close friend and move to work on a new team. At the same time, different transitions in work and life require redefining who I am in these new experiences, which impact how I show up with my doing and being energies.

Grief is not one, but many. It shows up in positive and negative situations, and our role as leaders is to pay attention to the different layers of grief we experience and be aware that at the same time, it is happening to our people. The Being of the System is the grouped emotions, beliefs, aspirations, thoughts, and mindsets of a few different individuals.

In the next article, I will address how the Being of the System can slow leaders down or stop them when they ignore the Being of the System.

The Being of the System - How the BEing energy is a Force that can Influence Others to Embrace Change / Featured Article on Leadercast Website

I was honored to be featured at the Leadercast Website as part of their July 2020 topic: Influence.

Leadercast gives you access to hundreds of short videos from CEOs, researchers, peers and experts for insights and solutions to conquer any leadership challenge that comes your way.

Check my article here, or read it below.

Successful organizations have leaders who can quickly adapt to change. Yet there’s no manual on how to effectively influence employees to drive actions toward desired change. 

Ever since we were kids, we were told that our actions made us good: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and do your homework before dinner.” As adults, we often see that the ones who are being promoted or recognized in our organizations are the ones who get things done, and we strive to do the same.

The problem is that there are some areas, like leadership, where actions are not enough. Acting without any awareness of who we are as leaders will not lead to the desired outcome.

For example, when you look at athletes during a game or contest—when the crowd is cheering for the other team and heckling them, or when they miss a shot and have to keep going, or when the final point of the game is all up to them—the one who wins is the one who can manage their Being energy while continuing with their actions. This is why I consider Being energy as a force because it can slow us down or help us thrive. When we want to influence others to join our ideas, what we really want to do is move others toward a desired change. The problem with change is that the bigger it is, the more emotions, thoughts, and concerns we have, which means that Being energy is taking up more space and slowing down our actions. One of my clients who led a large organizational change forgot that it took her a while to process her emotions and thoughts before the change was announced to employees. When she met with her new team, she forgot that these employees hadn’t had the time to process their thoughts and emotions like she did when she found out. And when she pushed the conversation toward action, she was met with sarcasm and no results. “They were so rude to me,” she shared with me after the meeting. I responded, “Remember a few months ago when you needed time to process your emotions and concerns surrounding the change? Have you paid attention to their Being energy?” In the next meeting, rather than rushing them to action, she said, “I understand there are some concerns with the new reality. How about we put the plan aside and have a conversation about how we feel and our concerns. I will start.” Being the first to share, her team opened up and shared their thoughts, too. Quickly after that, they were able to move into action without feeling rushed and trust was established in the process. Here are a few pointers that can help you influence people while addressing the Being force:

Clarity. Why is this change important? Does your team have clarity and understanding of why this change is needed? Don’t be surprised if people don’t have the desire to follow you in the change right away. Go back and do the work with a mentor or a coach to get clarity about your why, values and vision, and provide clarity to your team.

Rushing to action. When you sense resistance to change internally or externally, it is time to lean back and realize that your focus is on the Doing energy. Instead, dare to address the Being energy in the room and/or within. When you direct your energy to the Being force within or with others, you move to what I call BEyond leadership. Not only will you be able to influence and lead change again and again, but you will be able to open up and feel the momentum. You will see beyond yourself, beyond your values, and beyond your vision to now engage others in your leadership and help them grow into their best selves.