Accountability

2021 is here.

For some of us, a new year is a time to open a new page and ask how we can do things differently this year? We take the time for some individual/team internal check-in and ask ourselves what the things we need to let go of, what are the items we want to sustain and keep doing, and what are the areas of growth; what are the areas we want to work on and get better. And that's where it gets complicated for some of us; we understand the importance of moving forward and closing the gaps, but the main question is, how can we hold ourselves accountable? 

 The article's primary goal is to give you the tools to stay accountable for the things you say you will do as individuals or teams. This article can also help a manager (and even a parent) to support direct reports who can't deliver on what they have, accepting responsibility for the progress, whether it is a success or failure. 

 Work with you, not against you!

Let me start by saying that most of us don't see the results we want because we work against ourselves. We see what others do and get upset with not being able to do what they do. Not only do we focus on beating ourselves up, but we are also stuck and don't see a movement. So let's start with a quick awareness that can help you let go of the burden.

 External Accountability vs. Internal Accountability.
In her Assessment – the Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin, explains our tendency to expectations. One crucial point you can take from her idea is that we have internal/inner or Outer/external accountability.

• External accountability – is our need to be accountable to someone else so we can achieve goals. You are motivated to achieve your goals with another person. According to Rubin's, most of the population is motivated by outer expectations. How do you know if this is you?

  • If you are one of the people who ask themselves: "Why is it so easy for me to deliver on my promises to my family/friends/team/clients, but it is challenging to deliver on my personal goals?" you are motivated by external accountability.

  • What will encourage you more to workout? Paying membership to the gym, or knowing that your friend is waiting for you at 5 am outside the gym to join them? If it is the latter, then - you are motivated by external accountability. 

• Inner accountability – you can set goals and achieve them yourself; you don't need others to achieve your goals. How do you know it is you? You will start your day with a list and achieve most of what you wrote on the list by the end of the day.

 When you understand your motivation, you can design the system you need to create to achieve your goals.  Here are a few ways to design your system without going against your tendencies – experiment with the different methods, and feel free to reach out to me and share great ways that worked for you that you would like to add to this list!

External Accountability: You need to find partners that will help you stay accountable to your goals or desires. Here are a few different ways to establish these partnerships and make sure you are on the right path for you and your accountability partner. 

•  1:1 Accountability Partnerships - An accountability partner/partnership is with someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. There are different accountability partnerships. Some are paid for their time like a performance coach, or personal trainer, while many establish a relationship meant to support each other on needed goals. Let's review a few options of accountability partnerships:

  • Accountability Partner for business/leadership/personal growth– my accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly business goals, business challenges, and aspirations. When a challenge or opportunity arises, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. Some even sign a confidentiality agreement. 

  • Specific Accountability Partnerships – this is a partnership to achieve a particular goal for a limited time, like Weight loss, meal planning, work on a specific project like writing a book, filming videos, and much more. 

    Whether it's face to face or remotely, there are many ways to work with an accountability partner; some will state the task they would like to achieve during the meeting, then each one will work on their task. Others can focus on their discussions on progress, challenges, and goal setting. There isn't a right way; there is only your way and your aligned needs.

  • Pets – yes! We don't always need another human-friend to help us stay accountable. Pets can be excellent accountability partners to a specific task. Whether you want to start running, walk every day, or BE more present with your life. I have many clients who realized that having a pet helped them meet a specific need.

  • Social Media – A few years ago, after I went on my run, I posted my first "On The Run" video, letting everyone know that from now on, every time I run, I will post a video. Putting it out there made me accountable for this project and posting videos for more than two years after I run. If you know putting out a specific task can help you with your goals – put it out there – why not?

• Groups – the same way some prefer the one to one partnership; some like group accountability with more space for reflection and different perspectives.

  • Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.

  • Group Coaching is an opportunity to take the foundations of one-to-one coaching and move them to a group setting with a coach who holds group coaching facilitation skills. During the meetings, the group explores preferred topics, and at the end of each session, the members state how they are going to keep working on the topic. At the beginning of each meeting, the members report back to the group on their progress. The main difference between group coaching and a mastermind group is that group coaching requires a coach's facilitation. In contrast, a mastermind group can discuss topics without having a coach who facilitates the conversation.

  • Online groups – from social media groups to apps like noom and Fitbit, many have the option of online discussions and even coaches/mentors and group facilitators that can help the group process and share their thoughts, challenges, and resources. Find the group you can share your goals and get group support. 

Design the relationship agreement - Remember, like any relationship, to establish a partnership, you need to discuss with your potential accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and what you both need to do and be to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not easy to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.

 To learn more and prepare for this conversation, I have created a special document you can download here and support you through this conversation.

 Internal Accountability:

People who feel motivated by internal expectations do not need an accountability partner, but there are many other ways to help them achieve their goals. Here are a few creative ways:

• Stacking – if there is something you want to do, make sure you connect it with another action. For example, when I want to go on a run first thing in the morning, I will prepare the workout clothes the night before. This way, when I wake up in the morning, I have no excuses not to go on my run.

• Gamification – most internally motivated people like competition. If it is right for you, too, you can look at your weekly goals and give each goal a score. The more challenging the goal is, the higher the score will be. For example, writing an email is 1 point, while if networking is something you are trying to avoid – doing this task, you will give yourself 20 points. Competitive people will feel when they see their score going higher and higher each week. It takes some planning but can be very helpful to achieve goals you are trying to avoid. 

What are systems you can identify you already created unconsciously in your life to achieve goals and stay accountable?
As you can see, your outer or inner accountabilities play a significant role in achieving your goals. – find the system that works for you- remember, don't do it their way – do it YOUR way. 

 Are there other systems you have created to stay accountable?

­Negotiation – three Ways to Reach Mutual Agreement

When was the last time you had to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation? Can you remember how only thinking about that conversation impacted your energy levels. Whether it is uncomfortable conversations, solving a disagreement, or giving someone feedback, all these conversations have a negotiation component within.

Negotiation is a conversation where both sides need to achieve an agreement; if there is no disagreement, there is no negotiation or uncomfortable conversation. Period. Negotiation doesn’t begin until someone says no. Wouldn’t it be great if we can always have people agreeing with us?

The problem is that craving people saying yes to us and agreeing with us can get us stuck in the belief that negotiation is the act of doing our best to keep the other person from saying what they want to say: their no… This is why our mindset navigates the conversation on our hand towards hearing them saying what we want to hear – our yes. With that in mind, the way we address the exchange is from our want; for some, it will be by listening from our yes and ignoring what the other person has to say. For others, the negotiation conversation becomes a game they need to win; it is us against them, an either-or –– which can lead to a conflict. Therefore the question is not how do we handle a no response, but how do we turn the no go to let’s go!  Let’s go is when we have an alternative solution that works for both sides.

When I hear clients want to find in our session the right strategy to convince a peer that his/her idea is not good for the organization. What I observe is that their focus is on convincing the other person that they are wrong. This mindset closes the door to a conversation before we even started it. No one likes to hear that what they are saying/thinking is wrong. “What if instead of worrying about what the other person will say or why we need to be right,” I ask my clients “we can shift our focus to the idea that no one gets to be wrong and no one gets to be right?”
What if we change the focus? What would it look like if the other person and you were both together against the conflict? What would be possible then?

Let’s see the steps you can take to shifting your mindset from no go to let’s go together:

1. The concerns list.

When we think about the uncomfortable conversation we are going to have, many times, there are thoughts, concerns, and even emotions that play a crucial role in how we approach the conversation. Take a moment before you move into an action to pay attention to your being energy (your mindset and emotions) and write down all the concerns you have about the meeting. For example, concerns I hear from other clients many times:

“What if they don’t care about what I have to say?”

“What if they don’t respect my needs?”

Now let’s flip it and look at the other person. What would be the list of their concerns meeting with you? What would they write down?

Take a moment to write all their thoughts, frustrations, emotions, and beliefs.

Start with crossing over to their side. Look at the others' perspectives. Why might they have reacted to something you said or write the way they did? Why are they resisting your stance? There is undoubtedly a reason, and you’ll find that you will bring an open mindset perspective to the meeting when you take a moment to look at the world from their perspective.

2. “It is going to be hard” - What is the mindset you bring to the conversation

When thinking about the meeting, have you found yourself saying to another person or yourself before going to the meeting: “It will be hard,” or “I will need to fight to get what I want,” or “I know I will need to defend what I believe in.” Can you see how defensive and protective your view is in those moments? Without knowing what the other person will say, you look at the conversation from a heart at war. 

We choose how we step into a room, are we ready to put on the boxing gloves, or are we willing to wait and see what the other person has to say? Perhaps all you will need is to explain your perspective rather than defend it? Maybe, just maybe it is going to be easy?

3. Know your boundaries?

We need to know where the conversation starts and what intention we bring, but it is also essential to know where it ends; there are some situations where conversations will not go toward an agreement. This is why it is vital to understand what will make us say the final no and know that this is the end of the path for us or that from here our managers need to keep the conversation. Managers’ intervention doesn’t mean that you are weak, sometimes asking for help is actually the smart way to go; there are many situations that your managers need to solve organizational barriers that our peer and us cannot solve.

When we want to reach mutual agreements, both sides work together to bring as much value as they can it requires paying attention to what the other person’s wants and needs are. This is not an easy task, but slow down and ask yourself: “if I could bring compassion and curiosity to the situation what that person wants and needs are?” even if you view their reasons as irrelevant, not serious, or not realistic, understanding their challenges will once again help you stop fighting them and work together productively so both of you can benefit from the conversation and create value for the organization (or system) as a whole.

Why the BEing energy is a Force that can Influence Others to Embrace Change / Featured Article on Leadercast Website

I was honored to be featured at the Leadercast Website as part of their July 2020 topic: Influence.

Leadercast gives you access to hundreds of short videos from CEOs, researchers, peers and experts for insights and solutions to conquer any leadership challenge that comes your way.

Check my article here, or read it below.

Successful organizations have leaders who can quickly adapt to change. Yet there’s no manual on how to effectively influence employees to drive actions toward desired change. 

Ever since we were kids, we were told that our actions made us good: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and do your homework before dinner.” As adults, we often see that the ones who are being promoted or recognized in our organizations are the ones who get things done, and we strive to do the same.

The problem is that there are some areas, like leadership, where actions are not enough. Acting without any awareness of who we are as leaders will not lead to the desired outcome.

For example, when you look at athletes during a game or contest—when the crowd is cheering for the other team and heckling them, or when they miss a shot and have to keep going, or when the final point of the game is all up to them—the one who wins is the one who can manage their Being energy while continuing with their actions. This is why I consider Being energy as a force because it can slow us down or help us thrive. When we want to influence others to join our ideas, what we really want to do is move others toward a desired change. The problem with change is that the bigger it is, the more emotions, thoughts, and concerns we have, which means that Being energy is taking up more space and slowing down our actions. One of my clients who led a large organizational change forgot that it took her a while to process her emotions and thoughts before the change was announced to employees. When she met with her new team, she forgot that these employees hadn’t had the time to process their thoughts and emotions like she did when she found out. And when she pushed the conversation toward action, she was met with sarcasm and no results. “They were so rude to me,” she shared with me after the meeting. I responded, “Remember a few months ago when you needed time to process your emotions and concerns surrounding the change? Have you paid attention to their Being energy?” In the next meeting, rather than rushing them to action, she said, “I understand there are some concerns with the new reality. How about we put the plan aside and have a conversation about how we feel and our concerns. I will start.” Being the first to share, her team opened up and shared their thoughts, too. Quickly after that, they were able to move into action without feeling rushed and trust was established in the process. Here are a few pointers that can help you influence people while addressing the Being force:

Clarity. Why is this change important? Does your team have clarity and understanding of why this change is needed? Don’t be surprised if people don’t have the desire to follow you in the change right away. Go back and do the work with a mentor or a coach to get clarity about your why, values and vision, and provide clarity to your team.

Rushing to action. When you sense resistance to change internally or externally, it is time to lean back and realize that your focus is on the Doing energy. Instead, dare to address the Being energy in the room and/or within. When you direct your energy to the Being force within or with others, you move to what I call BEyond leadership. Not only will you be able to influence and lead change again and again, but you will be able to open up and feel the momentum. You will see beyond yourself, beyond your values, and beyond your vision to now engage others in your leadership and help them grow into their best selves.

Lead Your Emotions - How to Regulate Your Emotions With Centering Techniques and Tangible Reminders

From my book- Beyond: Leadership from AwareLess to AwareNess, Dare to BE the leader you can be.

A few years ago, during a work break, I went to the kitchen (as I do every day since I mostly work from home). That morning, when I opened the refrigerator, I noticed something different: I wasn’t breathing. Okay, I was breathing, but I could sense that I was pressing my lips against each other so hard it was as if I was holding my breath before diving into deep water.

I must say that I became very curious about this kitchen experience; what made me press my lips together this way? The more I observed myself, the more I was amused with my doing and how I was with my actions.

Apparently, during that time, my concern about the progress of a project I was working on kept me from breathing! I closed the refrigerator door and did something I had been resisting for a long time: I took a big breath.

It was a choice, a choice to shift from where I was- concerned and worried to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe- to a new doing and being where I chose to close the refrigerator and focus on breathing. I didn’t know that this moment would teach me one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned and will teach so many of my clients: taking a big breath is what moves us to be in control of our choices.

 Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage our emotional states and bounce back, mainly when our emotions run high.

We all have different methods to remind ourselves what we need to do: Post-it Notes, electronic calendars, and phone alarms can all serve as reminders for the actions we need to take, but how can we remind our being energy (the emotions. thoughts and concerns) to bounce back when we feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, or let our self-limiting belief hold us back? Centering techniques can help us pause and move to a place of choice with our being energy. Pause is the space in between that moves us from autopilot way of being to control our emotional choices and, therefore, our mindset in different situations.

Pause #1 Breath

Taking a big breath is not about the need to calm down, but about the pause. Breathing intentionally creates a moment of pausing. This pause allows us to ground ourselves and ask the big choice question: “Are we willing or wanting to shift?”

 A few days after the refrigerator a-ha moment, I found myself lecturing my three kids during dinnertime . . . again. I could see myself saying the same blah, blah, blah that I used to say almost every dinner while my kids ignored me. That night, I chose to take a big breath intentionally. It wasn’t the big breath of “Let me bring the ‘oy vey’ guilt of a Jewish mother defeated again by her children’s daily behavior.” Instead, this breath allowed me to pause and choose, in this interaction, if I was going to stay with my daily routine and keep lecturing my kids, or shift to a new way of being/doing and be quiet. Everyone was waiting on me to keep going after the big motherly breath, but I didn’t.

In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that breathing brings us back to the present moment. That evening I learned that lecturing was more of a need for me than an action that brings value to anyone else at the table.

Pause #2 Tangible Reminder

A tangible reminder is an object that reminds us of how we can be our best selves. It is a reminder that what we feel or think is just a thought, and we can choose differently.

A research done by Millward Brown, a global leader in brand advertising, found that tangible, printed materials produced deeper engagement versus digital materials. The printed material evoked more brain activity associated with the integration of sight and touch. It gave a more robust emotional response that suggests a healthier memory formation and a deeper connection with personal thoughts and emotions.

 This is why touching or looking at a tangible reminder can be so helpful when we want to move into a state of choice.

Here are a few ways you can use tangible reminders:

• Touching an object on your body: wearing a piece of jewelry like a bracelet, necklace, ring or a watch, and touching upon feeling stressed, and can help center yourself. If, like many of my clients, you feel nervous before speaking to management or peers, touching a tangible object or jewelry in your pocket can be useful. When you touch the item, it is a reminder that things can be different, that you can shift, it can help you relax and center yourself without anyone knowing that this is what you do. It is a simple yet essential action step that can help you regulate your emotions or shift your mindset and lower your stress levels or nervousness.

• Look at an object: Rather than touching the item, you can choose to look at something. For some people looking at a tangible reminder can be as powerful as touching an object to lower the stress levels and bounce back. 

Here are a few ideas:

• Desktop picture - A picture on your smartphone lock screen or computer screen

• A key charm

• A rock, or seashell

• Sentimental toy or decorative object you can put on your desk

• A quote

• A plant 

Pause #3 - Centering word 

As with a deep breath, a tangible reminder centering word/sentence is another centering technique that can help you pause and move into choice. One of my clients combined the action step of touching a tangible reminder with a centering word; she came up with the plan of touching her watch while saying, “It’s time.” It’s all she needed to escape conflict and bounce back from a high emotional state.

When we let the emotions and concerns react and lead the way in a situation that takes us on the wrong path of actions, it can be a red flag for us that we might need to explore a new way of being that can bring new results. Centering techniques take just a few seconds, and will not only lead to a calm, centered, clear, way of being, we will also see new actions. Train yourself to be more mindful, bit by bit, and you will see the results in the way that you lead your way of being rather than letting the unwanted emotions lead you.

Of course, you can use only one centering technique or engage all three: breathing, touching a tangible object, and saying a word. Centering yourself can help you feel grounded, calmer, and able to respond articulately and clearly when you feel nervous or unable to control your thoughts and emotions.

Some say it takes 21-30 days to create a habit, but it will only take 3 seconds to breathe. So right now, close your eyes and take a deep breath and start the journey of being at a choice.