I Am Not a Breather - Why Taking a Big Breath Can Help You

When I started training to become a coach, one of the things we needed to do was to practice coaching skills. So how did we do it? We coached each other constantly! We practiced coaching in school and outside of school; we practiced as much as we could.

One of the things that I couldn’t stand when my coach-student-friends started their coaching session with me was when they would say: “Ok! Let’s take a BIIIIIG breath!”

Since many of the coaching sessions outside of school were through the phone, I used to roll my eyes and let my coach friends take their big breath and just wait for it to be over!

Few years after, I was already a certified coach and a few of us coaches re-grouped to practice our coaching skills and give feedback to each other for the sake of our own growth as coaches. It was great! But then they started with the breathing and I told them in my very Israeli-direct way that “I am not a breather!” Everyone laughed and we had a great conversation about breathing with clients. Yes, I know “breather” is not a real word, but it just meant for me that I don’t enjoy taking a deep breath during coaching sessions when my coach decides for me it is time!. I felt that I am just not a breather. If you want me to take a big breath, please ask me if I feel like it! Don’t make me do it!

But you know, life gets in your face and one morning when I opened the refrigerator (you know, that thing that you do when you work from home) I realized that I was not breathing. That’s right!  I was pressing my lips together really hard and was holding my breath as if I was about to dive into a pool.

I must say that I became very curious about what I had just realized in my own kitchen, but rather than judging my behavior of not breathing, I became curious and started observing myself. The more I observed myself the more I was amused with what I was doing.  Weirdly enough I had realized that “being” in an entrepreneurial “I am procrastinating” state made my thoughts kept me from breathing!

I closed the refrigerator and took a big breath. It was a choice, a choice to shift from where I was to a new state.

 You know, that moment when I decided to close the refrigerator door (don’t worry – I probably did grab something out of it before I closed the door) was a big moment for me. It was the first time I had realized that breathing is choosing.

What?

You see, a few days after, I found myself lecturing my 3 kids, again, during dinner time. So in the middle of the same blah, blah, blah, that I used to say every night (and my kids wouldn’t pay attention to) I paused and took a big breath. That moment of choosing to pause and take a big breath made me stop lecturing them and sit still and quiet.

Everyone was waiting on me to keep going, but I just stopped, I knew that there was no added value to what I was going to say, it was more of a need for me than an added value for everyone else. I just did it because this is what I do every night and then regret. So taking that big breath was for me a moment of choice.

Since then, breathing for me is a choice. When I am “not breathing” I know my body is sending me signals that I am not choosing my next step. It is a signal that I need to shift. It is a moment to ask myself: what do you need to shift right now in this moment?  I can still choose to stay where I am – stuck! But it will be from a resonate place of choice, not from being a victim of my own thoughts.
I work with many clients who talk so fast that they can’t even catch their breath. Their work-life is so full that they can’t even pause the long list in their head and take a moment to breathe.

So no, I don’t make them breathe. I still think that your coach should ask for your permission to take a big breath together, but what I do is ask my clients is to notice how fast they are speaking, how short their breath is,  and get curious about what’s going on.

Ask yourself, what makes you talk so fast that you can’t even catch your breath? What makes you hold on your breath so that it feels like you are about to dive into a pool? What makes you stop and take that big breath that everyone in the range of 5 miles away from you can hear? What are the signals that your body is sending you?

What Have I Learned About Mindfulness from a Deer

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A week ago I took the kids to school, it was early morning, my car was still cold and I was driving slowly. In front of me, the sky started changing their color from the dark sky to the beautiful colors of an early sunrise. “Look at the beautiful sky in front of us,” I said to my daughter, who was sitting next to me.  While I was looking at the road and driving ahead I heard a big bump from the backside of my car.

“What was that noise?” I asked. I turned my head around to the window behind me and to my surprise, I saw a deer heading back to the other side of the road where it came from. It was really quick, but I couldn’t really see him, he crossed the street after I passed him in the dark and he bumped into the door behind me. I stopped the car and found that it had some dents and seems like the deer was fine if he was able to keep running, and I didn’t drive very fast.

Luckily it was minor damage, I don’t like how my car looks like right now, but we are all fine.
Now, what’s interesting is how my driving habits changed after this experience. I drive for many years, but I have never needed to deal with deer living next to us. Where we live now – driving in an area where deer can jump into your road is a daily reality and I realized that my driving habits and skills didn’t include the habit of being mindful of a deer that might jump into the road while I am driving.
Then Last night I have noticed while driving back home from a networking event that I changed the way I scanning the road with my eyes. If before I was looking mostly at what was in front of me and/or on the road, now I am also paying constant attention to what is happening on the sides of the road left and right, especially if I know that I am driving in an area where we can meet a dear friend.

The deer made me think about the practice of mindfulness in our life. So many times we let our life pass by without noticing what’s really happening, without focusing. We don’t really pay attention to other people or things in our life. Mostly your thoughts are running all over the place with no structure. You don’t really think about anything; you just do it. But when a deer bumps into your car you open your spectrum, you look back and ask yourself: “how for god sake I didn’t notice these events in my life?” Suddenly you start looking not only at what is in front of you, but also what is on the sides of the roads, your eyes are scanning all the time, and your mind is present with what is happening right here right now. “

So now you probably think to yourself: “Oh! Great! I understand the example of the deer, but how exactly it is applicable to MY life? How do I stay present and more mindful of my life? and don’t start telling me to meditate because I truly don’t have time for meditation in my life right now!”

Okay! I get it, and I am not going to convince you that meditation can help you practice being present with your life, I won’t! my only request to you is very simple and quick – just take one deep breath. Yep! That’s it. Whenever you catch yourself traveling with your thoughts all over and pass people and events without paying attention just take a deep breath and see what’s happening. Don’t stop after the first time, keep doing it every time you catch yourself wandering around. That’s only one second and one deep breath – that’s it. Now you know. I hope the deer will take a deep breath too….

The Pain of Loss and Grieving During Relocation

This article posted at the Canadian expat network website, as a guest blogger.

"to avoid pain of loss would be to avoid the love and life we shared" C. S. Lewis

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A few weeks ago while I was speaking with one of my clients she shared with me her feelings: "I moved to an amazing city that has so much to offer, I can explore art exhibitions like no other place in the whole world, I can enjoy good theater or Broadway shows, but instead I feel so lonely and sad. My friends are so jealous of me, but mostly all I do is cry, I am not even sure why. Then with my husband, I used to tell him how I feel but he felt so guilty for seeing me so sad that I stopped telling him. I just pretend as if everything is okay, but I miss my family, I miss my friends, I even miss the food. No matter how much I try, I cant really enjoy anything I have around. You know, sometimes I even feel that I am not strong enough. I don’t get it,  I suppose to be happy, but instead I am so sad… why am I so sad? It just doesn’t make any sense"  
“Actually it does,”I tell her, she is not the only one who feels this way, many of my clients who went through relocation experience feel the same way. Some transitions in life like death, divorce, losing your job are painful changes and they are also life transitions that our surrounding is easy to acknowledge our pain. But in other life transitions, like marriage, having a new baby, or move to a new place with a big house and yard it is harder for us and the surrounding to see the struggle, these transitions are categorized as "good events” and we will see less support or understanding around our pain.
When we decided to make the move to North Carolina, I knew it is the right decision for our family as a whole and for each one of the individuals in our system to move. But in the back of my mind, I was also saying goodbye to people and places in Brooklyn, NY. It meant accepting the feeling of loss for what became our community, the people who were part of our daily lives and more than a cultural experience, It was a symbol of many personal struggles and then learning points that allowed me to shift my perspective from I don't know who I am anymore and how I can do it, to I know!.  I felt a whole person, I was connected and grounded.

While processing the pain of loss, I have realized something that happened through our first move. I was restless; there was a change in my emotions. One moment I was angry, the next moment I was out of energy feeling very sad, I didn't feel like working, I didn't feel like connecting with other people, I just wanted to sit down and read an 800 pages book I received from my husband. Then I would wake up for another full of energy and feel that everything is great! I am done being sad and things started getting better, I was creating, connecting, I felt fine, until, you know the next day when I woke up and again I was out of energy, going back to the 800 pages book with no desire to do anything else.

One day my friend came over for a coffee and asked me how I am. "I don't really know how I am anymore", I told her, feeling ashamed and guilty for my behavior, "the only thing I really want to do right now, is read a book. And you know what? I feel so guilty about it.". "That's ok", she said, "You are just grieving".

She was right, I was grieving, I wasn't grieving the ending of an important period in my life, I was grieving the not knowing of who I am going to be after the move.
You might have heard about the five stages of grief, by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Not everyone goes through all of the phases or in the same order, but knowing you can experience them through loss can help you cope better with your relocation experience.  I believe many people who go through relocation experience part or most of these stages.

Denial -- means disbelief. It doesn't mean you ignore your move, it means that you still can't believe it is happening, or it is going to happen, and mostly the people around you who are also sad about the loss react in the same way.

Anger -- anger shows up in many ways and shapes, many parents shared with me the guilt about yelling at their kids, they were tired, emotionally exhausted and they took most of the anger on their kids. My anger wasn't really logical, I didn't even know why I just felt like it is not fair!

Bargaining -- mostly in relocation bargaining shows up as guilt, you tell yourself "only if" we would have done things differently. Guilt also shows up a lot with the partner who is responsible for the move, they feel as if it is their fault. They will say something like "if only I can make him/her feel better, I just want them to be happy ".

Depression -- I am not talking about a sign of mental illness that is a long term thing, but the feeling of emptiness and the sadness we feel at certain times in our lives. After the relocation, the grief gets into our lives on a deeper level, but this is our way to keep us protected until we adapt to something we can't handle. The paradox is that the longer you will try to push the pain away from the longer it will stay. The depression will stay until it feels it served the purpose of loss, so instead of fighting it, try to accept this phase and allow your uninvited guest to stay. You can invite them for a cup of coffee, just sit with the pain try to understand it more, acknowledge it.

Acceptance --is about accepting the new reality, it is about understanding that this is our new reality and it is going to stay here permanently. I know you miss your past or dreaming about a brighter future, but if you want to create a better present for yourself it might be the time to accept where you are and while acknowledging there you had a wonderful past and one day a brighter future, the present is where you are. 

If you, or anyone else you know, have ever experienced all or part of these stages, please know it is okay. You are not crazy, although you feel this way. You are also not weak you are just processing the pain of your loss. In a strange way, accepting the grief brings us closer to coping with the transition in our life. The ending is how every transition begins, and when you will be ready to let go of your ending that's when you will start to connect with other people again and create new opportunities in your life.

““to avoid pain of loss would be to avoid the love and life we shared”

”

— C. S. Lewis

Stuck with my Sticky Notes

Once in a while, I get stuck. I get stuck between my thoughts and my beliefs about how I want my next steps to look like. 
Although I crave to move forward, something is holding me back and I just can’t, I am stuck.

What makes us get stuck? What is that THING? 
For me being stuck is about trying to fight the “not moving”, fighting my thoughts, the thoughts that are trying to convince me that I must do. I hear voices in my head saying: “you need to do this” and “you should do that” and “you cannot procrastinate and not do anything!!!”.
So, I sit, do nothing and feel even worse about myself.

But, what if I would just give in? What if I would just allow myself not to DO anything without feeling guilty about it? What if I would just allow myself to process where I am and let my thoughts and feelings move me forward to the next step? What will happen then?

Anyway trying is just pretending to be working….

So last week I just gave in, my husband and I came back from our first no kids’ vacation. It was one of our top 10 vacations together. We needed time to connect with no interruptions and just be with each other. But when we returned back from our vacation I was able to see things about my business that I couldn’t see or think about before, when I was focused on the DOING.
 One of the thoughts that came kept nudging me, or pulling my attention during our vacation was that I need to change few concepts and let go of others, which required from me to redesign my business. I could see bits and bytes but the hardest part was to sit down and write the new plan. I tried to pretend, but after few days I gave in. I gave in and dived into the deep sea.

In my deep sea of giving in, there were groups of fish with thoughts and feelings, a big octopus which likes to hug me with stories about "how I can't".  But then when I saw the dolphins skipping and flipping, I knew this is my sign, the sign that I am ready. I pulled myself out of the deep water and took a little breath and then I pulled my sticky note and started writing everything I saw during my diving experience. Suddenly all the quiet thoughts and even emotions made sense to me.

You will never catch me out without my sticky notes, I use them to capture interesting thoughts from books, from blogs, capture a new thought or idea about a project, or just mark my next 3 important things to focus on my day. They allow me to give a voice to my thoughts, fears, and emotions and create a structure out of it. From words that are floating around me, I create relationships and meaningful connections that can move me forward.

Some people call my system a workflow, some call it mind mapping, it can be either or neither, it doesn’t matter to me. What really matters to me is that it works for the way I think.

Now I want to share something with you, I believe that there are too many people out there who think their recipe is the one that will save your life, your business, your career. But, we are all different, even being stuck can mean to you something totally different than my own experience that I just have shared with you. Don’t get attached.

So next time, when you get stuck take a moment to pause and observe where you are, notice how you behave, notice what you think, what are the fears, the dreams, and expectations you have in the experience. Observe who you are when you get stuck, maybe it is time to just BE with it rather than resisting it. We run too many times to the doing of things before we are ready for it then we feel like big procrastinators. Maybe we just need to BE?
 I do believe that from the nothing something will show up.