Can you guess how many results Google shows for "How to be a better listener"?

7 million?

27 million? 

 Or maybe 67 million?

The correct answer is over 67 million.

Let us wrap our minds around this number for a second - so many people are looking for solutions on how to be better listeners. Why being better listeners is so important? 

The short answer is that when you listen more, you become a better communicator, you empower people more to share their ideas and bottom line, it allows you to be a better leader to your people.

Think about some leaders in your life? Were they the ones to talk all the time or create an experience where you are welcome to share your ideas, and everyone is welcome to share their ideas, even if the ideas can challenge the leader's thinking or vision?

In this article, I will share a great tip that can help you be a better listener. This is one of my top favorite tips that, every time I share it with my clients, they are excited to try; actually, it is my #1 hit tip on my leadership coaching tips billboard. 

 

So why is it so challenging for many of us to be in listening mode?

Here are two main reasons:

1. The Culture Aspect - In some cultures, we learn to show up, react fast, be the first to talk, show up, to be at the front. Other cultures appreciate the internal processing, the slower pace. Whether at school or in the meeting room, it is not enough if you do not speak up and share your thoughts.

2. Learned Skill – we never learned how to listen. Period. We also never learned as speakers how to create a room for the listener to have their turn to speak. Now, more schools are using different techniques to teach kids at an early age how to practice listening. They use listening sticks and other techniques to help the kids be better listeners, not only to thoughts but also emotions. My wish is that we will see those skills being practiced beyond preschool and elementary school.

3. Quiet can be Uncomfortable – in some situations; we feel very uncomfortable being quiet. We ask a question, and the people in the room are quiet; it can feel as if they do not have any ideas, or maybe they do not know the answer or find the answer, But coaching people for many years and also being a mom I learned that each time when I ask a question that the immediate answer is: "I do not know," and I keep sitting still, quiet and allowing the space, people always find the answers. So next time you ask a question, and they say I do not know, count to 100 and then count again. People are creative and resourceful; it is we who need to learn to be with the uncomfortable experience.

 

So how do we become better listeners? There are many ways, but my favorite is moving from questions that start with the word WHY to questions that start with the word WHAT.

 

Why?

What questions come from curiosity and exploration; they are inquisitive. However, Why questions create a sense that we are judging the idea, that the other side needs to convince us why their idea is right and move them into defense.

Why "Why Questions" can be experienced by others as judgmental? Let us take a journey back in time to our childhood. When kids are small, they ask why questions like 
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong?"

These questions help them have a better understanding of how the world works. Then, somewhere around our teenage, we start to form opinions. These opinions are based on our short life experience, what our parents and teachers told us, and what we heard on social media, opinions about, well, just about anything and everything. Labeling the world as black and white, right or wrong, is what forms our core value system. We create opinions of what is right and what is wrong. This means that when someone else thinks just like you, they are part of your team, but if they happen to have a different perspective, we label them as wrong. This is when we use why questions shift from a sweet exploration of a small child to a question about right or wrong. 

Let me give you an example,

that can help you understand this idea better. Have you ever seen what happens when an adult is upset with a child that did something wrong or silly? Mostly when the adults ask the question: "Why did you do that?" What is the child's response? Mostly the child will look down and won't answer, and if they answer, they will say something like: "because…" and stay quiet. Some kids or teenagers will push back on the adult and answer something defensive like: "well, no matter what I do, you will blame me."
However, instead of asking them: "Why did you do that?" you will ask: "What made you do that?" I promise you that not only they will answer, but you will get a better understanding of what made them do that. Can you feel the difference between the two questions?
Why did you do that?
What made you do that?

If you tried to experiment with your kids, please share what interesting answers you received from your kids in the comments.

Let us try another one - you are sitting in a meeting room, and your peers suggest an idea - you are not a fan and you ask: Why do you think we should go with this solution? vs. What made you come up with this solution?

Can you sense the different energy? 
Why vs. What,
Curiosity vs. Judgement.

Why triggers protecting my ideas because I feel I must defend them, while What questions create space, I can sense that you are curious to understand what I was thinking and want to learn more about my ideas and way of thinking. It also makes me more curious and explores my own ideas while answering your questions. The outcome will be a rich and deeper discussion that allows you to learn more about how others think and where they come from.

 So next time you sit in a room and want to be a better listener, all you need to do is change one word, from why to what.

 If you liked this article and looking for more tips to go beyond with your leadership, check out my beyond blog: https://www.noaronencoaching.com/beyond-blog

 

Transcript 

Can you guess how many results Google shows for how to be a better listener? Maybe it's 7 million, maybe 27, or maybe 67 million? The correct answer is over 67 million. Let's wrap our minds around this number for a second. So many people want to be better listeners. And still, listening is very hard.
Have you heard that annoying sentence "you have two ears and one mouth?" Still, listening is very challenging.
Today, I'm going to teach you a great tip that can help you become a better listener. It always works. Actually, it's my number one tip of all tips with my clients. They love it.

Hi, I am Noa Ronen, I'm an executive and leadership coach. And I work with executives, leaders, and founders like you to go beyond their leadership. If you're ready to dig in and learn more about beyond leadership, hit the subscribe button and let's go beyond.
Want to be a better listener? It's very simple. All you need to do is replace your why questions with what questions?

What?

Why?

Let me explain the difference.

What questions come from curiosity. While why questions come from judgment, and they get in your way of having a real conversation with another person.

What? But why?

Hey, we just talked about it. Use WHAT questions, right?

But why?

What makes what questions better than why?

Let me explain. And for that, we need to go back in time to our childhood. We all know that cute experience where kids ask us why questions? Why is the sky blue? Why do I need to eat broccoli? Mom? Why can't I lie? Why questions are a great way for kids to try and understand the world better. And then when we go forward in time, and they become teenagers, that's when they start forming the world and understanding what is wrong, and what is right from their why questions. And this is when we move from pure curiosity to somewhat of a judgment, we create a judgment and opinion of the world with what is right and what is wrong. And therefore some people will be right and part of my team and some not. And when you ask your peers and direct reports the question why, they feel they are judged and need to defend their idea when they talk to you. You see, when we ask people why they come up with that solution, what they feel or what they think is: “now I need to defend my idea,

I need to move you to my side, I need to convince you.”
Defense is not an answer to curiosity. Defense is an answer to judgment.

Now, when you ask what questions, it feels different.
Let me give you an example. Have you ever seen when a child does something silly? And the adults ask: “Why did you do that?,” Have you seen how the child reacted or responded? Mostly they will shrug their shoulders look down and say nothing? Or maybe just say," because." And maybe they will move right away to defend and attack you, especially the teenagers, right? Now my invitation to you is next time when you see a child or a teenager do a silly thing, ask them: “What made you do that?”
I want you to write the answers in the comments. Because it's hilarious. Every time I asked my clients to do that they come back with awesome stories.

So try that rather than asking, Why did you do that? Ask them what made them do that? Now think about it. If you sit in the meeting room and you ask your direct reports or your peers or people you work with on a project, I can promise you, you will get a different conversation. Rather than defending each other's ideas, you will have a conversation that comes from curiosity.

Why versus what?
Curiosity versus judgment.

Why makes me want to defend my ideas. While what gives me the sign that you're really curious and want to listen and hear more of where I came from.

So all you need to do is replace one word. Doesn't cost a lot. Just give it a try, experiment. Lean back and try that: what instead of why. And let me know in the comments how it worked for you. If you like this video and are looking for more tips about listening, check out the next video on how problem-solving can get in your way of being a better listener.